Lady-ness

Today was one of those mornings (maybe the first ever) when it dawns on me that I am actually a grown up, professional single lady. I feel that today. It must have been the combination of slipping into my business lady brown flats, fastening the buttons on my collared shirt, twisting my un-dyed, for the first time in many years, hair into a bun at the base of my head, and slathering the almond scone I baked last night with apricot jam before walking out the door to go to a real job, where someone depends on me to be organized and get things done.

A welcomed realization I must say.

I'm getting older and along with that comes a slew of good things (outside of seeing more grey hairs on my head every day- I'll show you if you don't believe me). Something of note is the evolution of healthy relationships in my life. Slowly with time, toxic relations have been weeded out, leaving only real, positive, beneficial ones. Meaningful relationships with others that allow me to lift and be lifted. Graduating from college really weeds out people who are current but not permanent fixtures. While there is a pang of nostalgia, great memories, and of course the sense of loss that comes with missing people as they come and go, I feel a warmth for the influence or role they played, and try to focus on what they left. The people who I choose to surround myself with these days are given 100% of me, and we choose to maintain our friendships as opposed to being obligated to stay in each others lives.

Additionally, family ties have come of age. There comes a point where you respect your parents in a whole new way for what they have given. I notice all the ways that they have sacrificed and worked so hard to provide their children with everything they need and could possibly want. Though the parent/child dynamic will always be there, I am happy to consider my parents as more than just biological matches for me and am so grateful for their influence and existence in my life.
Relationships with siblings have also changed. Once bickering, contentious, or otherwise tension filled interaction with them have faded. We can now all call each other friends, and share our lives and experiences willingly with one another by choice. I am proud to call each of my brothers and my sister friends, some of the best I have.

Romantic relationships, additionally, have been a long and winding road of learning and growing. I've long been a non-committal type, fearing what a commitment might do to the independent life I had strived so hard for as a woman, raised in a conservative environment with rigid gender expectations. I realize now, largely through my experiences with my current Man-Friend, that I don't have to compromise my desires or my feminism (in many senses of that word) in order to be happily weaving a life so closely with another person.

It is amazing what you can learn about yourself through your interactions in life. I am lucky to have so many amazing people in mine.

Who needs a doughnut pan?! Birthday Doughnuts pt deux

Last year, my sister and I made chocolate vegan doughnuts for my birthday since a tradition in our family is birthday doughnuts. We decided to keep the tradition alive again this year and made some Vanilla Spice doughnuts with a recipe from this blog.There is even a nutrition facts chart on the site, these little buddies come in at less than 100 calories each. That should off set the 2 bags of birthday Oreos I am working my way through... ok three, three bags, but come on BIRTHDAY CAKE OREOS with actual colored birthday cake sprinkles inside, limited edition! I don't even feel bad, plus they were gifted to me by people who obviously know about and support my Oreo addiction.

These turned out delicious and adorable, a good combination, and we had fun in the process. I love baking and it is even better with people you love. I took the doughnuts to work today and they were a hit! Success on all counts.

Vanilla Spice Doughnuts1 Cup All Purpose Flour (we had to add about 1/4 a cup because the dough was so runny)
1/2 Cup Sugar
1 1/2 tsp Baking Powder
1/4 tsp Salt
1/4 tsp (scant) Nutmeg
1/4 tsp Cinnamon
1/2 Cup Soymilk
1/2 tsp Apple Cider Vinegar
1/2 tsp Pure Vanilla Extract
1 Egg worth of Egg Replacer
4 Tbs Earth Balance

Preheat oven to 350F. Whisk wet ingredients together on the stovetop on low, just to mix them well and get them warm. . Mix dry ingredient in a large bowl and add wet mixture when warm until just mixed. The batter is wet and sticky. Put dough in doughnut pan (or be creative if you don't have one as we did using tin foil- it works and will make you feel like a very special baker) and bake for 12-15 mins then decorate as desired.

 

My nephew helped stir- he was not a fan of stirring on the stove though. Leave that to me little buddy, with my new apron (Great gift! Thanks Mom!) 

P.S. I am in an "I don't actually want to do my hair today" and "Please can I just wear a baggy man shirt today?" phase, so don't judge.

We rolled up pieces of tin foil to make the doughnut shape and just greased the cuss out of the pan and foil and poured the dough around them. Who needs a doughnut pan when you are a pair of resourceful ladies!?

Pre-baked ghetto fab

Baked Result FTW! The foils slid right out and we had lovely little doughnuts!

We decorated with whatever we had on hand, sliced almonds, dark chocolate chunks, 2 kinds of sprinkles, and just used a vegan cream cheese frosting my sister had left over from the Carrot Cake Cupcakes (also pictured above- in the wrappers) she made me earlier in the week (see, she is the best).

My sister as master decorator- isn't she adorable? (the answer is yes)

 

HOLY HOLY HOLY

Vent/Rant coming up. Don't read on if you hate white girl problems.

Today sucks and it is not even noon. I think my bad mood actually started last night after I was "shushed" by someone when I said Hercules is a Greek Myth (which it is originally, as Heracles) as they tried to defend why they thought it is a Roman myth (which it also is, but later, as Hercules). Not one to engage generally when it is clear this will not be a nice discussion but more of a "who is right" (me) type of match, I quietly let my frustration stew and tried to enjoy the rest of my evening. He didn't mean anything by it, I am just sensitive when I feel like my intelligence or knowledge is being called in to question. Enough about that though, still a little sore.

I got an email from my new boss who is out of the country, has been the entire time I have worked for him (outside of the week I met him), saying that the lease on the office he rents has been purchased and we will have to find another way to conduct business. He asked if I could work from home, which I replied that I could, but upon further thought, I am realizing how very inconvenient that will potentially be. Here's why-

• I don't have internet at my place, so I will have to take my computer somewhere that has internet, like a cafe or the library, or my parent's house. 
• I don't have the programs needed on my personal computer, and I don't know how to get them on there from the office computer. 
• I don't have room at my place for all of the office info, supplies, files, etc. that I use on a regular basis. So I can either try to cram them all in or have to dig them out of whatever place he decides they should be stored when I need them.
• I'll still have to go somewhere to collect all his mail (personal and business) but maybe I can get him a PO box near my house.....
• I am dreading the possibility that I will have to move all the office equipment. 3 desks, 7 monitors, 5 computers, chairs, files, books, decor, etc. We still have a month but I hope (and will suggest) he hires a company to move the items, I'm not really equipped for that. 

Next incident of the day, furthering my grumpy mood, I had to go to the post office to send a package for work. I've had nothing but problems with the Lehi Post office and today solidifies my never going there again if I can possibly avoid it. The employees are rude, condescending, inattentive, and generally unpleasant to interact with. I have had different employees help me each time I have been there for this job and each experience is as dreadful as the next. 

I ordered a smartphone because this new job requires that I am available at any time. After fighting with Verizon, looking in to other options, and quarreling internally about it, I finally made a decision and received the new phone yesterday, which did not come with everything promised and the company is now having to ship the card needed to activate the phone to me this week. I don't even want a smartphone, I have gotten along without it this long, I don't even have internet at my apartment, why do I need to carry it around in my pocket? The phone was expensive, the monthly data plan is expensive, and frankly I feel it is unnecessary. I'm grumpy about having to spend money on an item I don't really want or need. I might rethink my choice, try to sell the phone and get a cheap service provider or something. I'm trying not to make any choices in the huff that I feel I am in.

I don't want to eat what I brought for lunch
My water bottle tastes funny today
I have a stupid annoying cough
I chose the wrong coat for such a cold day
I still work at this crummy job I've had for years and no one else will hire me

I'm in a "this is not what I want my life to look like" type of funk right now and I don't know what to do about it outside of what I am doing, i.e. trying to plan things for a future closer to my ideal, and refocus to enjoy things as they are right now. This is easier said than done of course when I get feeling hopeless. I think that is what the "nesting" thing is a reflection of, trying to better what I have now. To quote a ridiculous Disney movie-

"I want much more than this provincial life
                I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
                I want it more than I can tell
                And for once it might be grand
                To have someone understand
                I want so much more than they've got planned"

Ok, let's look at the positive now, for my sanity. I've got some things coming up to look forward to:

• Still planning and SO EXCITED for my trip to NYC/DC with 2 of my favorite people!
• Pedicure tonight with my sister, mom, and grandma before the latter two jet off for Hawaii
• Hopefully seeing "The Artist" this weekend, FINALLY!
• Get to hang out with my cute nephew tomorrow and some much needed time at my own house, baking banana bread, catching up on my writing, and of course 30 Rock

Not all is lost, and it is definitely not as bad as today feel thus far. The nice thinga about bad days is they are only one day, and they end. At least I can try to find a little humor in the mean time though.

Nesting, no I'm not!

I've been in such a strange nesting type mood lately. I find myself with a ridiculously strong desire to fill my house with great stuff. I'm not usually a "stuff" kinda gal, I try not to have excess of things I don't really need (yes I need all the shoes and clothes in my closet, why do you ask?), but lately I see these great pieces I just HAVE to have or do something with. I see a lot of DIY bloggers and projects and just feel like doing something active and creative for my own home.

I have a handful of projects up and coming along including:

• a shelf I am painting dark mustard yellow and putting new knobs on- similar to this, but a big shelf, not just a hook rack
• I finally bought a succulent for a tan/turquoise/brown ceramic bowl I got at savers
• framed my vintage astronomy map in a shadow box (yet to be hung) 
• need to get some postcards or photos for this really cool hanging rack my sister got me for Christmas, I'm thinking of using the photos taken by my brother from a calendar he made for me
• keeping my eyes open for a new side table, desk, and bookcase- either something mid-century or something I can refinish myself
• have commissioned an embroidered project I am really excited about
• working on organizing with real live boxes and labels
• I've been collecting wine corks for about a year now and finally think I have enough to do something with, a cork board, trivet, coasters, something. (If anyone has any more they want to give me, save 'em up! I am a willing recipient)

I try to tell myself not to make any big purchases or commitments or buy anything I don't need (like the mid-century "bar ware" amber drinking glasses I have my eye on) because I don't know where I am going to be living in a couple months and whether or not these things will be going in to storage or if by some miracle I will find an ideal place to live where I have access to a kitchen and can use all my lovely kitchen ware and other home accents and necessities. I just want to splurge on new bedding, sheets, pillow cases, and a duvet to find a great cover for, get a retro kitchen table and chairs, and some sweet lamps for my front room.

*sigh*

Plus, I should really save this money I would be spending for my Amazing NYC/D.C. Trip coming up! There will surely be amazing things I will want to purchase there.

I wonder if men ever experience this type of "nesting" bug, and whether this is some ingrained (societal or natural?) desire that women have, to make a house home-y. A friend and I even joked about buying a house just to have a place of our own to decorate.

Are we stuck Between the Bars?

Elliott Smith is an artist I've long admired (who seems to tune his guitar weird so I can't even attempt to play any of his songs!! GGRR!). His lyrics are pure poetry, so sad and raw, co clear that they often cut like glass.

This song, Between the Bars, was one of Smith's more famous songs and was featured on Good Will Hunting. It has been speaking to a place in life where I find myself now (That sentence is up for interpretation). I recently came across this cover by The Civil Wars (Who on their own are great and worth a listen!) I think it is a great tribute to Elliott's version, it even inspired me to find some guitar tabs and try to learn a simplified version. If I get decent and very brave, I might even record it in my dad's studio and share! (don't hold your breath for that one though)

The Civil Wars Version

And of course, the Elliott Smith Version. Beautiful.

drink up, baby, stay up all night
the things you could do, you won't but you might
the potential you'll be, that you'll never see
the promises you'll only make

drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days
do what I say and I'll make you okay and drive them away
the images stuck in your head

people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

drink up, baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars where I'm seeing you
there with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught

drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest
where I like you the best and keep the things you forgot

the people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Grown Up Job? I might need to rethink this.

After a month of searching (2+ weeks of really hitting the market diligently and hard) I landed my first post grad, real live, grown up job.Well, sort of. It is at a company that has the potential to be really huge, and probably will be. I have A LOT of responsibility and trust put on me from the gate and many new tasks that I don't really know exactly how I am going to accomplish, which makes me very fidgety, sweaty, and stuttery (probably only really noticeable by me).

Here are my thoughts after Day 1:

• I keep trying to remind myself that I am totally qualified and capable of doing this job. I've done a lot of projects in school that I wasn't sure I would be able to pull off (i.e. writing a 30 - 50 page senior thesis, organizing an academic conference (3x), teaching and grading classes, going to London...) I always find a way to get through
• In the interview, they asked if I had plans to leave, move away or anything, and for the first time in my life I could say "No, I plan on staying put" confidently and comfortably without feeling like I was giving up or missing out on something. I've wanted to GO GO GO my whole life, but right now, I feel like being here is right where I need to be.
• I'm not an accountant, those have never been skills that have come easy to me. Nor am I a payroll or budgeting wiz kid, or even all that great with computers, so this job is surely going to come with some challenges. 
• I'm pretty much on my own here. The person I am replacing is training me then leaving, and the company owner is going to India for 5 months. It's just me, holding down a fort where I don't even know what structures are safe for leaning. I'm managing his business and personal affairs. Room for error here seems dauntingly large. 
• The company is just starting out, but it has a phenomenal growth potential and the owner is one of those guys you know just makes things happen. It is great to get on with a company in its fledgling stages, for sure, but who knows where it will go, how long it will take to get there, and what my role will even be.

I still have plans for my future that require a time commitment and those do have priority, but I am now officially stuck to this new job at least until the boss man gets back in the country (since it would be terrible form to leave him high and dry while there is nothing he can do about it). Not that I am thinking of leaving after the first day or anything... anyone who knows me well can attest that I am a fickle, fickle, soul. So maybe just the thought of being "tied" to this new position is freaking me out. Even if I don't have "plans" to leave, feeling like I can't if I wanted to is unnerving....

*sigh* guess I haven't grown up.

I'm really looking forward to stretching my wings in this new stage I am entering and seeing what comes of it, how I can grow and bring my skills to this new position. I feel like I can do some good here, and the environment seems conducive to creativity.

Until next rant.....

Wanderlusting

I have been itching to get to D.C. for about 6 months now, so when it looked like I might not pass my Spanish classes, I told myself that if I worked hard and did pass, I could take myself on a trip. Well, I booked my tickets today and I am so excited!! I will be going out to see one of my oldest friends who moved to NYC over the summer, spending a few days there, then we two are going to take the fun bus down to D.C.for a few days.

I know I am a nerd, but I can't wait to see this:

and this will be going on when we are there:

As far as NYC goes, I have never been as an adult. I went with my dad when I was in high school and had a great time, it is one trip I will always remember fondly because it was just he and I, walking around the city in February freezing our nee-nees off, seeing a bunch of Broadway plays (4 to be exact), visiting tourists spots, and spending time together.

I am looking forward to hitting a couple museums I didn't get enough of on my first trip, and seeing the city in the spring, as well as spending time getting to know what my friend is like as a New York City woman! If anyone has suggestions of things 'off the beaten path" that I should check out, I would be more than pleased to accept them- for both NYC and DC as well.  I hear there are some excellent vegan places in those areas, so I will have to make my way to those as well and write up a little something, although I am not sure I can spend the cash for the chef's tasting menu at PURE like I would like to :(

April cannot come soon enough.