Read Rikki's Thoughts

Who needs a doughnut pan?! Birthday Doughnuts pt deux

2012-03-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

Last year, my sister and I made chocolate vegan doughnuts for my birthday since a tradition in our family is birthday doughnuts. We decided to keep the tradition alive again this year and made some Vanilla Spice doughnuts with a recipe from this blog.There is even a nutrition facts chart on the site, these little buddies come in at less than 100 calories each. That should off set the 2 bags of birthday Oreos I am working my way through... ok three, three bags, but come on BIRTHDAY CAKE OREOS with actual colored birthday cake sprinkles inside, limited edition! I don't even feel bad, plus they were gifted to me by people who obviously know about and support my Oreo addiction.

These turned out delicious and adorable, a good combination, and we had fun in the process. I love baking and it is even better with people you love. I took the doughnuts to work today and they were a hit! Success on all counts.

Vanilla Spice Doughnuts1 Cup All Purpose Flour (we had to add about 1/4 a cup because the dough was so runny)
1/2 Cup Sugar
1 1/2 tsp Baking Powder
1/4 tsp Salt
1/4 tsp (scant) Nutmeg
1/4 tsp Cinnamon
1/2 Cup Soymilk
1/2 tsp Apple Cider Vinegar
1/2 tsp Pure Vanilla Extract
1 Egg worth of Egg Replacer
4 Tbs Earth Balance

Preheat oven to 350F. Whisk wet ingredients together on the stovetop on low, just to mix them well and get them warm. . Mix dry ingredient in a large bowl and add wet mixture when warm until just mixed. The batter is wet and sticky. Put dough in doughnut pan (or be creative if you don't have one as we did using tin foil- it works and will make you feel like a very special baker) and bake for 12-15 mins then decorate as desired.

My nephew helped stir- he was not a fan of stirring on the stove though. Leave that to me little buddy, with my new apron (Great gift! Thanks Mom!)

P.S. I am in an "I don't actually want to do my hair today" and "Please can I just wear a baggy man shirt today?" phase, so don't judge.

We rolled up pieces of tin foil to make the doughnut shape and just greased the cuss out of the pan and foil and poured the dough around them. Who needs a doughnut pan when you are a pair of resourceful ladies!?

Pre-baked ghetto fab

Baked Result FTW! The foils slid right out and we had lovely little doughnuts!

We decorated with whatever we had on hand, sliced almonds, dark chocolate chunks, 2 kinds of sprinkles, and just used a vegan cream cheese frosting my sister had left over from the Carrot Cake Cupcakes (also pictured above- in the wrappers) she made me earlier in the week (see, she is the best).

My sister as master decorator- isn't she adorable? (the answer is yes)

HOLY HOLY HOLY

2012-02-29T12:31:00.000-07:00

Vent/Rant coming up. Don't read on if you hate white girl problems.

Today sucks and it is not even noon. I think my bad mood actually started last night after I was "shushed" by someone when I said Hercules is a Greek Myth (which it is originally, as Heracles) as they tried to defend why they thought it is a Roman myth (which it also is, but later, as Hercules). Not one to engage generally when it is clear this will not be a nice discussion but more of a "who is right" (me) type of match, I quietly let my frustration stew and tried to enjoy the rest of my evening. He didn't mean anything by it, I am just sensitive when I feel like my intelligence or knowledge is being called in to question. Enough about that though, still a little sore.

I got an email from my new boss who is out of the country, has been the entire time I have worked for him (outside of the week I met him), saying that the lease on the office he rents has been purchased and we will have to find another way to conduct business. He asked if I could work from home, which I replied that I could, but upon further thought, I am realizing how very inconvenient that will potentially be. Here's why-

I don't have internet at my place, so I will have to take my computer somewhere that has internet, like a cafe or the library, or my parent's house.
I don't have the programs needed on my personal computer, and I don't know how to get them on there from the office computer.
I don't have room at my place for all of the office info, supplies, files, etc. that I use on a regular basis. So I can either try to cram them all in or have to dig them out of whatever place he decides they should be stored when I need them.
I'll still have to go somewhere to collect all his mail (personal and business) but maybe I can get him a PO box near my house.....
I am dreading the possibility that I will have to move all the office equipment. 3 desks, 7 monitors, 5 computers, chairs, files, books, decor, etc. We still have a month but I hope (and will suggest) he hires a company to move the items, I'm not really equipped for that.

Next incident of the day, furthering my grumpy mood, I had to go to the post office to send a package for work. I've had nothing but problems with the Lehi Post office and today solidifies my never going there again if I can possibly avoid it. The employees are rude, condescending, inattentive, and generally unpleasant to interact with. I have had different employees help me each time I have been there for this job and each experience is as dreadful as the next.

I ordered a smartphone because this new job requires that I am available at any time. After fighting with Verizon, looking in to other options, and quarreling internally about it, I finally made a decision and received the new phone yesterday, which did not come with everything promised and the company is now having to ship the card needed to activate the phone to me this week. I don't even want a smartphone, I have gotten along without it this long, I don't even have internet at my apartment, why do I need to carry it around in my pocket? The phone was expensive, the monthly data plan is expensive, and frankly I feel it is unnecessary. I'm grumpy about having to spend money on an item I don't really want or need. I might rethink my choice, try to sell the phone and get a cheap service provider or something. I'm trying not to make any choices in the huff that I feel I am in.

I don't want to eat what I brought for lunch
My water bottle tastes funny today
I have a stupid annoying cough
I chose the wrong coat for such a cold day
I still work at this crummy job I've had for years and no one else will hire me

I'm in a "this is not what I want my life to look like" type of funk right now and I don't know what to do about it outside of what I am doing, i.e. trying to plan things for a future closer to my ideal, and refocus to enjoy things as they are right now. This is easier said than done of course when I get feeling hopeless. I think that is what the "nesting" thing is a reflection of, trying to better what I have now. To quote a ridiculous Disney movie-

"I want much more than this provincial life
                I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
                I want it more than I can tell
                And for once it might be grand
                To have someone understand
                I want so much more than they've got planned"

Ok, let's look at the positive now, for my sanity. I've got some things coming up to look forward to:

Still planning and SO EXCITED for my trip to NYC/DC with 2 of my favorite people!
Pedicure tonight with my sister, mom, and grandma before the latter two jet off for Hawaii
Hopefully seeing "The Artist" this weekend, FINALLY!
Get to hang out with my cute nephew tomorrow and some much needed time at my own house, baking banana bread, catching up on my writing, and of course 30 Rock

Not all is lost, and it is definitely not as bad as today feel thus far. The nice thinga about bad days is they are only one day, and they end. At least I can try to find a little humor in the mean time though.

Nesting, no I'm not!

2012-02-24T15:54:00.000-07:00

I've been in such a strange nesting type mood lately. I find myself with a ridiculously strong desire to fill my house with great stuff. I'm not usually a "stuff" kinda gal, I try not to have excess of things I don't really need (yes I need all the shoes and clothes in my closet, why do you ask?), but lately I see these great pieces I just HAVE to have or do something with. I see a lot of DIY bloggers and projects and just feel like doing something active and creative for my own home.

I have a handful of projects up and coming along including:

a shelf I am painting dark mustard yellow and putting new knobs on- similar to this, but a big shelf, not just a hook rack
I finally bought a succulent for a tan/turquoise/brown ceramic bowl I got at savers
framed my vintage astronomy map in a shadow box (yet to be hung)
need to get some postcards or photos for this really cool hanging rack my sister got me for Christmas, I'm thinking of using the photos taken by my brother from a calendar he made for me
keeping my eyes open for a new side table, desk, and bookcase- either something mid-century or something I can refinish myself
have commissioned an embroidered project I am really excited about
working on organizing with real live boxes and labels
I've been collecting wine corks for about a year now and finally think I have enough to do something with, a cork board, trivet, coasters, something. (If anyone has any more they want to give me, save 'em up! I am a willing recipient)

I try to tell myself not to make any big purchases or commitments or buy anything I don't need (like the mid-century "bar ware" amber drinking glasses I have my eye on) because I don't know where I am going to be living in a couple months and whether or not these things will be going in to storage or if by some miracle I will find an ideal place to live where I have access to a kitchen and can use all my lovely kitchen ware and other home accents and necessities. I just want to splurge on new bedding, sheets, pillow cases, and a duvet to find a great cover for, get a retro kitchen table and chairs, and some sweet lamps for my front room.

*sigh*

Plus, I should really save this money I would be spending for my Amazing NYC/D.C. Trip coming up! There will surely be amazing things I will want to purchase there.

I wonder if men ever experience this type of "nesting" bug, and whether this is some ingrained (societal or natural?) desire that women have, to make a house home-y. A friend and I even joked about buying a house just to have a place of our own to decorate.

Are we stuck Between the Bars?

2012-02-17T14:25:00.000-07:00

Elliott Smith is an artist I've long admired (who seems to tune his guitar weird so I can't even attempt to play any of his songs!! GGRR!). His lyrics are pure poetry, so sad and raw, co clear that they often cut like glass.

This song, Between the Bars, was one of Smith's more famous songs and was featured on Good Will Hunting. It has been speaking to a place in life where I find myself now (That sentence is up for interpretation). I recently came across this cover by The Civil Wars (Who on their own are great and worth a listen!) I think it is a great tribute to Elliott's version, it even inspired me to find some guitar tabs and try to learn a simplified version. If I get decent and very brave, I might even record it in my dad's studio and share! (don't hold your breath for that one though)

The Civil Wars Version

And of course, the Elliott Smith Version. Beautiful.

drink up, baby, stay up all night
the things you could do, you won't but you might
the potential you'll be, that you'll never see
the promises you'll only make

drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days
do what I say and I'll make you okay and drive them away
the images stuck in your head

people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

drink up, baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars where I'm seeing you
there with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught

drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest
where I like you the best and keep the things you forgot

the people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Grown Up Job? I might need to rethink this.

2012-02-02T17:16:00.000-07:00

After a month of searching (2+ weeks of really hitting the market diligently and hard) I landed my first post grad, real live, grown up job.Well, sort of. It is at a company that has the potential to be really huge, and probably will be. I have A LOT of responsibility and trust put on me from the gate and many new tasks that I don't really know exactly how I am going to accomplish, which makes me very fidgety, sweaty, and stuttery (probably only really noticeable by me).

Here are my thoughts after Day 1:

I keep trying to remind myself that I am totally qualified and capable of doing this job. I've done a lot of projects in school that I wasn't sure I would be able to pull off (i.e. writing a 30 - 50 page senior thesis, organizing an academic conference (3x), teaching and grading classes, going to London...) I always find a way to get through
In the interview, they asked if I had plans to leave, move away or anything, and for the first time in my life I could say "No, I plan on staying put" confidently and comfortably without feeling like I was giving up or missing out on something. I've wanted to GO GO GO my whole life, but right now, I feel like being here is right where I need to be.
I'm not an accountant, those have never been skills that have come easy to me. Nor am I a payroll or budgeting wiz kid, or even all that great with computers, so this job is surely going to come with some challenges.
I'm pretty much on my own here. The person I am replacing is training me then leaving, and the company owner is going to India for 5 months. It's just me, holding down a fort where I don't even know what structures are safe for leaning. I'm managing his business and personal affairs. Room for error here seems dauntingly large.
The company is just starting out, but it has a phenomenal growth potential and the owner is one of those guys you know just makes things happen. It is great to get on with a company in its fledgling stages, for sure, but who knows where it will go, how long it will take to get there, and what my role will even be.

I still have plans for my future that require a time commitment and those do have priority, but I am now officially stuck to this new job at least until the boss man gets back in the country (since it would be terrible form to leave him high and dry while there is nothing he can do about it). Not that I am thinking of leaving after the first day or anything... anyone who knows me well can attest that I am a fickle, fickle, soul. So maybe just the thought of being "tied" to this new position is freaking me out. Even if I don't have "plans" to leave, feeling like I can't if I wanted to is unnerving....

*sigh* guess I haven't grown up.

I'm really looking forward to stretching my wings in this new stage I am entering and seeing what comes of it, how I can grow and bring my skills to this new position. I feel like I can do some good here, and the environment seems conducive to creativity.

Until next rant.....

Wanderlusting

2012-01-26T16:51:00.002-07:00

I have been itching to get to D.C. for about 6 months now, so when it looked like I might not pass my Spanish classes, I told myself that if I worked hard and did pass, I could take myself on a trip. Well, I booked my tickets today and I am so excited!! I will be going out to see one of my oldest friends who moved to NYC over the summer, spending a few days there, then we two are going to take the fun bus down to D.C.for a few days.

I know I am a nerd, but I can't wait to see this:

and this will be going on when we are there:

As far as NYC goes, I have never been as an adult. I went with my dad when I was in high school and had a great time, it is one trip I will always remember fondly because it was just he and I, walking around the city in February freezing our nee-nees off, seeing a bunch of Broadway plays (4 to be exact), visiting tourists spots, and spending time together.

I am looking forward to hitting a couple museums I didn't get enough of on my first trip, and seeing the city in the spring, as well as spending time getting to know what my friend is like as a New York City woman! If anyone has suggestions of things 'off the beaten path" that I should check out, I would be more than pleased to accept them- for both NYC and DC as well. I hear there are some excellent vegan places in those areas, so I will have to make my way to those as well and write up a little something, although I am not sure I can spend the cash for the chef's tasting menu at PURE like I would like to :(

April cannot come soon enough.

New glasses for a new lady

2012-01-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

Look, I am a grown up now. I work 9-5, I worry about tax rates and who will be the next president, about whether I can fit a nice vacation into my budget, and what my role is in my community. I work for the weekend, spend evening numbing my brain in front of the television, and enjoy going to the movies and out to restaurants to escape the hum drum-ality of daily life.

Ok, maybe I don't do some of these things, but they tell me I am a grown up now anyhow, so it was time to stop buying cheap $6 glasses and actually invest in a new quality pair, since my last "real" glasses were sadly outdated, instilling real fear in myself and my passengers when driving in inclement weather or at night and slightly out of style (we can't have that!) So I bit the bullet,m spent some of my hard earned dough and got a new pair. I feared they may be a little too Liz Lemmon-esc (hey there are worse people to look like) but I don't think they are now. Check me out!

Me, pleased with the new lenses, driving my grown-up self to work. Also- look how long my hair is!

This is what I like to call the "My eyes are up here" photo. Because they are, don't forget it!

Do new glasses give us a new outlook on life? Those clear, unflawed lenses having never seen the harsh realities that await? I like to thing so.

I finally figured out what I want to DO with my life. I mean REALLY, not in the wishy-washy, fickle, second guessing way I usually decide things, but I actual have real concrete goals now, a real career in mind, and a way to get there. More on that in a later post, still working out the exact details, but once they are in place I'll be sure to announce it. Blame it on the glasses, but everything is now so clear (punny? I don't know.)

Lives

2012-01-17T14:37:00.000-07:00

Listening to some Modest Mouse to pass the long day at work. This song was sticking out to me today for various reasons, some of which I will try to elaborate on here.

I have been meaning to post an update here for awhile now, and this might not be as extensive as I was planning, but better now then never. I GRADUATED! ME?! YES!! I finally kicked those spanish classes in the huevos, jumped through every hoop they threw at me and earned my degree. I am pretty damn proud of this accomplishment, especially given the fact that it has taken me so long to get to this point and that I worked my keester off, holding down 2 jobs while going to school full time and cramming in as many extra-curriculars as humanly possible.

Straight after my last final (literally- my last final was at 3, we left at 4), my family loaded up in the motorhome for the annual trip to Mazatlan, Mexico. We spent 2.5 weeks beaching, eating tacos, playing games, and spending time together. This year, Jen's boyfriend Brad drove down with us and flew home before Christmas and Tyler's girlfriend Emily flew down before Christmas and the 2 of them flitted off for an adventure which eventually led them to Costa Rica after some misadventures on plane, bus, and taxi. They made it home safely though with stories to tell about a week into the new year. Brad and Jen got engaged on the beach at sunset and will be getting married this May. All of us are excruciatingly happy for them, they are a great couple and Jen deserves to be with a great guy like Brad. Of course this means I will be roommate-less come spring, so if anybody is looking for a place, or a new roomie who is clean, respectful, well behaved, and bakes vegan cookies like you've never eaten, send them my way.

Still stuck at my horrible job for now. I lay in bed every morning pinned to the sheets with dread, knowing that when my feet hit the floor I have to begin getting ready to go there and confine myself to my cubicle for what feels like a vast eternity. I am on the job hunt now that things have slowed down and gotten back to normal after being home from vacation and settling in the the life of a graduate. I never imagined how difficult it would be for me to work only one job for 40 hours a week, especially after how busy I was during my academic career, but sitting at a cubicle staring at my screens, repeating the same tedious, mundane tasks is murderous. I shouldn't complain, I am lucky to have a job really, and the pain of it all is a great motivation to find a new job! I have committed to applying for at least one job per day until I get something new, and so far so good. I've applied for a few event planning type jobs, some office or personal assistant jobs, and have been researching judicial jobs for something I am qualified for since where I would really like to be is in that environment. I think I will start studying for the LSAT over the summer and take the test by the fall so I can start working on applications before the end of the year. That is the tentative plan anyway, things in my head change with the wind, but I have been getting better with being less fickle.

Speaking of less fickle, The BF and I have now been dating for over 6 months, and going strong so far. I've never dated anyone as easy going as he is. We have a great time together, a smooth chemistry, whether we are going out or staying in doing nothing. He makes things in life so easy and fun, not to mention uproariously hilarious. He is unshakingly supportive of me, of who I am, and of things I want to do. He's even surprisingly feministic, though I don't know if he realizes it because it's just the way he operates, it's not something that he really strives for.

All things considered, my life is going well. It is going at least. Focusing on the good things that happen is important for sanity. Even when there is some ideal, some seemingly unattainable thing waving delicately in the distance, I try to remind myself that even if I had everything I wanted, all my current dreams and goals were attained, there would still be something else out there I would want to strive for, and that is what helps keep people in constant motion, that hope for something else. So keeping in mind the real brevity of life, of special moments, of excruciating long days at work, of laughing over dinner with friends, of stimulating conversations, of sick days on the couch watching 30 Rock and Venture Brothers, of quiet moments alone to write, of the miles of road traveled in a vehicle over the years, remembering that all these things pass so quickly helps to keep things in a more positively reflective scope and scale. And that is what I am getting out of this song today. That you can make yourself miserable focusing on what you don't, what you might, what you want in life, or you can live as best you can, striving for the recognition of what is happening now, current, and know the future will come eventually, no matter what.

Modest Mouse- "Lives"
Everyone's afraid of their own life
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
No one really knows the ones they love
If you knew everything they thought
I bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut up
Well, you were the dull sound of sharp math
When you were alive
No ones gonna play the harp when you die
And if I had a nickel for every damn dime
I'd have half the time, do you mind?
Everyone's afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
Am I right? And it's our lives
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember were alive for the last time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
To live before you die
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
That our lives are such a short time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
When it takes such a long time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember:
My mom's God is a woman and my mom she is a witch
I like this
My hell comes from inside, comes from inside myself
Why fight this
Everyone's afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?

Feminist Ryan Gosling

2011-12-12T14:12:00.000-07:00

I came across this little jewel a few months ago, and realized I had not shared. It is cruel of me to be keeping this from all of you. I was looking over some of the most recent posts and decided it was time.

I share- Feminist Ryan Gosling where pictures of Mr. Gosling are overlayed with common feminist theory, quotes, and ideas.

Here are some examples:

And some personal favorites:

Also for your viewing pleasure- Is Ryan Gosling cuter than a puppy?
Feminist Hulk

Options

2011-12-06T14:19:00.000-07:00

I'm at work, hating it, staring at another website devoted to duvet covers, knowing that even if I do my very best work optimizing, the likelihood of this customer making any money from their website is slim to none, contrary to what they were promised when they spend upwards of $6000-$15000 on internet marketing packages. It's the middle of finals, I am stressed, I should be getting done a thousand other things done with school and future plans, and this is the last thing I need, to be sitting in a cold office, in a gray/brown cubicle, feeling like I'm contributing to something dishonest, feeling hostile and scolded, and getting frustrated that the thing I was hoping would cheer me up,The Black Keys website where I am trying to listen to the new album, is so glitchy....... *end rant*
Sometimes there comes a very tangible breaking point with a job, and I feel I've reached mine. Since I have not been able to find something I really want to to after graduation and after I get back from Mexico, I told my boss that I would like to go back to full time after the holidays, my heart sank that day, I felt so defeated. This was a great job while in school, flexible and paying well enough to keep me comfortable, but I never intended to keep working here after I graduated.

I find I am faced with TOO MANY options (what a thing to complain about, huh?), and what I really want to do is flit off to Europe or South America for a while and really explore another place, learn to navigate an undetermined path, and enjoy not having work or school or those responsibilities (Come on Cali!!), and get in touch with myself in a place completely unfamiliar.

Another thing that has been appealing to me for about 5 months has been going to Washington D.C. I feel like it has really been calling me, popping up in strange places in my life and presenting me with all sorts of possibilities. Since I am interesting in law and non-profit type work, I feel like it would be a great place to get some experience. I have been looking into plane ticket prices and they are reasonable, even bordering on cheap, so if I can't find a way to relocate there, I'll at least find a way to get out and visit in the coming months.

I just don't feel like getting away for a short trip is going to fulfill this need I have, but sadly I don't know how to go about a long endeavor alone, and relocating across the country feels just as impossible.

I want to see this-

Instead I see this-

Always riding the tides of change

2011-12-02T09:59:00.000-07:00

Been a long while since I've posted anything, but this semester has been jam packed! It hasn't really sunk in that I don't have to register for next semester, that I won't have to juggle school and work, that I never have to write another undergrad paper, or stress over a class presentation or wonder what the hell a vegan can eat on campus that isn't Subway.

It seems like I've been living my life in semesters for years, fall, spring, summer, fall, spring, summer, so now that I'm on the cusp of graduation (barring only failure from my Spanish class) and facing the "real world", my options are limitless, which is both exhilarating and terrifying. Instead of marking the box that say "student" I now have to figure out what box I want to check and what I want my life to be like.

When I've thought about what I wanted in my life, I've never really pictured anything traditional. In my idealistic mind I'd wander from place to place helping people, doing different uplifting, positive projects, working with people to meet their needs and goals, making life better for others while fulfilling my desire to travel, experience the world, and give back in the ways that I can. I've thought about Peacecorps, looked into Americorps, researched several possibilities to volunteer abroad (most of which cost more money than I have or could earn in a timely manner), applied for some internships, and nothing seems yet to be falling in to place in that regard.

At this point, I just want to get out of here.

I know that Utah, and Utah County are not bad places to live, per se. It's beautiful here, lush mountains watchfully towering over the valleys, scorching red rock deserts within close driving distance, lakes, rivers, wildflowers. It's a safe community, comfortable, my family who I love is here, but most days I feel like I'm suffocating. Especially in such a starkly patriarchal culture, I can't help but wonder what place an eco- conscious, feministic, critical thinking, hopeful activist can have. It may be further exacerbated by the thought that pastures might be greener someplace else, since I've never really lived anywhere but here so I have no way to gauge what life might be like in another place. I'm not ruling out the possibility of "ending up" as they say, in Utah, but if that is the case, I want it to be something I have chosen, not a default setting because I never did anything else.

I've got an intense wanderlust written on my soul, and as the possibility for world exploration becomes a tangible reality, the desire is screaming to be quenched. Travel for me is such a transformative process, and as I enter what feels like a transitional phase of being, I strongly feel the need to get out and see what the world has to offer, and what I can offer in return. Since I'll be largely directionless, maybe embracing that and heading out for an adventure is just what I need to.

Big thoughts and dreams have always been a problem of mine, but I feel I've accomplished a lot of things I've wanted to, and I don't intend to stop now.

On another, lighter note, I made a skirt out of a scarf I bought for $6 and I look/feel cute today :) Gotta enjoy the little triumphs as I can!

(I also practice oral hygiene- and you now have proof)

A blog by any other name would serve as sweet a purpose

2011-09-22T17:36:00.002-06:00

I am sans journal today, I usually always put it from my backpack to my purse and visa verse, but in the scramble this morning of not having regular soy milk and having to use chocolate soy milk in my granola, it got overlooked. So, to the blog!!

Update on life-

Last semester of school is well underway. Praise all the gods! Trying to figure out what comes post-grad. A whole world will be opening up as a non-student. Thrilling and overwhelming are both appropriate ways to describe this.
I am finding gray hairs on my head on a daily basis and currently fighting with the choice, when the time comes, to dye the suckers, pushing back my acceptance of old age by the bottle-full, saying "you will not best me age, you wiley minx" or just embracing the fact that I could be on my way to silver fox status by 30.
Dating a boy I like. WOAH! Need a minute? I know, I know. Pick your shocked self up off the floor and keep reading, or give up all hope and wonder if hell has indeed frozen over. A friend asked a mutual friend if "someone like me" (meaning a self proclaimed anti relationship, commitment phobic, intrinsically feministic thinker can actually HAVE a boyfriend- and apparently the answer is yes)
It may seem a stark contrast to the above update, but, I am developing an intense bitterness toward the male sex. Even more than my usual loathing. This is not really in relation to the dating thing, he is actually very nice and patient with my ever fickle moods, and I am trying everything to quell these boilings of loathing, but everyday I seem to see men behaving or speaking in ways that make me wonder what will come of this world if we ladies (as a collective group) don't get our act in gear and start being vocal for change.

I feel a heavily feminist post coming on. Better go get my thoughts in order! I leave you with a cover from Old crow medicine show of a fantastic John Prine song "Angel from Montgomery" When I saw Ani over the summer, she covered the song. If magic exists, I saw it that night. Enjoy!

Robot Hearts

2011-07-25T12:12:00.000-06:00

I've been spending less time writing online and more time writing furiously in various journals, word documents, and notebooks.

I've been feeling the fleeting impermanence of life lately and have an urgent need to record EVERYTHING. I am being consumed. I write, I play the guitar, I am trying to learn a handful of cover songs as well as writing a few of my own. I feel like I am scrambling to make tangible things that I know will one day be gone in an effort to somehow hold on to them- which is wrong of me and pretty uncharacteristic since I usually make a concerted effort to let things pass and move in their natural time frame. I guess it is just what I need right now and it will pass too, like everything else.

I have been posting more often on a new Tumblr account that I set up. Find it here and follow if you like. I would love to follow any of you who tumble as well!

I leave you with a song and video- one whose message in lyrics does not really match the video, but I find each equally enjoyable and relevant. <3

So Full of Love

2011-07-12T17:44:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, rarely, a person will do something so reaffirming of the goodness that still does exist in the world that you can't help but feel an immense appreciation for the caring ability of human beings.

I am happy to know people who can floor me so with selfless actions. Instances that actually make me stop, compose myself, and really reflect on what it means to love someone, to be there for someone, and to do so without a second thought or inkling of the personal sacrifice that may be required.

Surrounding oneself with people like this, capable of so much good, solidifies the notion that life is too short to keep company of any lower caliber. It additionally brings to light the impermanence and fragility of all of our intermingled interaction and attempts at communication. Even though relationships can be so fleeting, recognizing and savoring the moments together, the kind that connect us or remind us that humanity is not lost, can put a shining perspective on the way things actually are.

Ani DiFranco- It finally happened

2011-06-21T15:50:00.000-06:00

You know that feeling after you see a really impactful, moving concert, one you've been waiting years to experience? When the whole ride home you listen to the songs they played, and the songs you wished they'd played, and you can visualize what it might be like, and what it was actually like, being there?

When you buy the over priced t-shirt that you really don't have the money for, just to commemorate that you were physically present for the experience and you wear it the very next day, while you continue listening to the music of the artist, hoping to hold on to pieces of it in a tangible way?

How the same rush of emotion that was felt as they began to strum the first cords of a song that has "really gotten you through some things" wash over you again when it enters your earphones for the first time after having seen and heard it played live, sending familiar and welcomed shivers through your spine and a instant reactionary smile to your unassuming lips?

Some things just resonate loud and deep, reminding you that you are, in fact, alive.

Piggy Pasture

2011-06-09T17:45:00.000-06:00

I want this!

That is all.

Maybe the Times are Not a'Changin

2011-05-20T14:51:00.000-06:00

In light of the recent Osama Bin Laden murder, I have been reflecting on the reaction of the American people to the event and the collective feeling of celebration is disturbing to me. I suppose I am no more disturbed than I was at the false or long feigned sense of community that the actual WTC attack forged, but somehow now, ten years later, confused as to how to react, the American public respond the only way they know how- by again reverting to a blind patriotism that they don't even fully understand and applauding the murder of the man who's name and face have become unanimously associated by the media with the hot button words of 'terrorism' and 'al-Qaida', as if the extermination of this man effectively ends the issues he was associated with. (Which as we all know, it does not. Are out military forces not still occupying the Middle East?)

Of course, when he who has been deemed responsible for the attacked that shattered the internal attitude of untouchable/unbreakable confidence held in the American psyche has been 'taken down', any threat he posed (from a remote desert cave, on dialysis) would, to Americans, seem to be neutralized. The next step will be an aggregate consensus of shock when a person or group of people retaliates, proving to be far more destructive, angry, organized, manipulative, or any of the like towards the US of A.

The concept of retribution is problematic. As the Greek Oresteia and countless other texts remind us, when is retribution every really had? Furthermore, when does it stop? This one action on the part of the American nation will undoubtedly serve as a catalyst of several aftershocks and acts of comeuppance on the side opposed to the US. This murder has activated various neutral nations across the globe and individuals as well, both facts that should be in the foreground of the American consciousness, but instead, we party like idiots in the street of Washington DC. Shouldn't there be a more somber feeling surrounding death? Any death? A reflection of the many military persons and civilians who have been effected by this man hunt? A recognition of how this action, and the actions supported and carried out by out nation have effected the global community over these past 10 years?

Alas, how often we forget that this social change does not always mean positive change, and that the 'passion of individuals' does not always represent the Utilitarian 'greatest good for the greatest number', especially when interpreted and evaluated by the entity of this nation, on its illusory self elevated pedestal. Those impassioned may not actually take this notion into consideration at all before choosing a course of action.*shock* How can this be? Doesn't the old adage of what's good for the goose is good for the gander- the US being the goose, the world being the gander- hold any more? (of course I hope the thick sarcasm here translates through blog)

Anthropologist Margaret Mead said, "Never ever depend on governments or institutions to solve any major problems. All social change comes from the passion of individuals." We have seen this around the globe in recent times, in Egypt, in Libya, in various nations where the people have had it with their governments, where they have finally taken to the streets in search of a better option, at any cost. This is a passion I feel is lacking in this nation. Patriotism suddenly translates into a serious form of complacency and conformity, an acceptance of the movements of the government without question of motive of ethics. If (or when) the need comes for an uprising similar to what is making change and headlines on the other side of the Atlantic, I seriously question how many would show up. But murder the man top on the nations most wanted lists and the streets fill to capacity.

-----------

I know I post a lot from Ani Difranco, but that is how much I am impacted by her thoughtful words. After 9/11, she wrote a poem reflecting on the events (she is from New York) that I feel has relevance to this new series of events, still so connected in action and reaction to those of the WTC attack. Her vivid visual language presents the power of the spoken word, not only to move, but to question what is and what is supposed to be, or what at one time was. The video is just under 10 mins (and *warning* there may be some mildly offensive language) but she surely hits on some issues that still plague our society today. Even long after the literal dust of this attack has settled, we still fight through the residual aftermath.

SELF EVIDENT- (inspired by the WTC disaster)

yes,
us people are just poems
we're 90% metaphor
with a leanness of meaning
approaching hyper-distillation
and once upon a time
we were moonshine
rushing down the throat of a giraffe
yes, rushing down the long hallway
despite what the p.a. announcement says
yes, rushing down the long stairs
with the whiskey of eternity
fermented and distilled
to eighteen minutes
burning down our throats
down the hall
down the stairs
in a building so tall
that it will always be there
yes, it's part of a pair
there on the bow of Noah's ark
the most prestigious couple
just kickin back parked
against a perfectly blue sky
on a morning beatific
in its Indian summer breeze
on the day that America
fell to its knees
after strutting around for a century
without saying thank you
or please

and the shock was subsonic
and the smoke was deafening
between the setup and the punch line
cuz we were all on time for work that day
we all boarded that plane for it to fly
and then while the fires were raging
we all climbed up on the windowsill
and then we all held hands
and jumped into the sky

and every borough looked up when it heard the first blast
and then every dumb action movie was summarily surpassed
and the exodus uptown by foot and motorcar
looked more like war than anything I've seen so far
so far
so far
so fierce and ingenious
a poetic specter so far gone
that every jackass newscaster was struck dumb and stumbling
over 'oh my god' and 'this is unbelievable' and on and on
and I'll tell you what, while we're at it
you can keep the pentagon
keep the propaganda
keep each and every TV
that's been trying to convince me
to participate
in some prep school punk's plan to perpetuate retribution
perpetuate retribution
even as the blue toxic smoke of our lesson in retribution
is still hanging in the air
and there's ash on our shoes
and there's ash in our hair
and there's a fine silt on every mantle
from hell's kitchen to Brooklyn
and the streets are full of stories
sudden twists and near misses
and soon every open bar is crammed to the rafters
with tales of narrowly averted disasters
and the whiskey is flowin
like never before
as all over the country
folks just shake their heads
and pour

so here's a toast to all the folks who live in Palestine
Afghanistan
Iraq

El Salvador

here's a toast to the folks living on the pine ridge reservation
under the stone cold gaze of mt. Rushmore

here's a toast to all those nurses and doctors
who daily provide women with a choice
who stand down a threat the size of Oklahoma City
just to listen to a young woman's voice

here's a toast to all the folks on death row right now
awaiting the executioner's guillotine
who are shackled there with dread and can only escape into their heads
to find peace in the form of a dream

cuz take away our playstations
and we are a third world nation
under the thumb of some blue blood royal son
who stole the oval office and that phony election
I mean
it don't take a weatherman
to look around and see the weather
Jeb said he'd deliver Florida, folks
and boy did he ever

and we hold these truths to be self evident:
#1 George W. Bush is not president
#2 America is not a true democracy
#3 the media is not fooling me
cuz I am a poem heeding hyper-distillation
I've got no room for a lie so verbose
I'm looking out over my whole human family
and I'm raising my glass in a toast

here's to our last drink of fossil fuels
let us vow to get off of this sauce
shoo away the swarms of commuter planes
and find that train ticket we lost
cuz once upon a time the line followed the river
and peeked into all the backyards
and the laundry was waving
the graffiti was teasing us
from brick walls and bridges
we were rolling over ridges
through valleys
under stars
I dream of touring like Duke Ellington
in my own railroad car
I dream of waiting on the tall blonde wooden benches
in a grand station aglow with grace
and then standing out on the platform
and feeling the air on my face

give back the night its distant whistle
give the darkness back its soul
give the big oil companies the finger finally
and relearn how to rock-n-roll
yes, the lessons are all around us and a change is waiting there
so it's time to pick through the rubble, clean the streets
and clear the air
get our government to pull its big dick out of the sand
of someone else's desert
put it back in its pants
and quit the hypocritical chants of
freedom forever

cuz when one lone phone rang
in two thousand and one
at ten after nine
on nine one one
which is the number we all called
when that lone phone rang right off the wall
right off our desk and down the long hall
down the long stairs
in a building so tall
that the whole world turned
just to watch it fall

and while we're at it
remember the first time around?
the bomb?
the Ryder truck?
the parking garage?
the princess that didn't even feel the pea?
remember joking around in our apartment on avenue D?

can you imagine how many paper coffee cups would have to change their design
following a fantastical reversal of the New York skyline?!

it was a joke, of course
it was a joke
at the time
and that was just a few years ago
so let the record show
that the FBI was all over that case
that the plot was obvious and in everybody's face
and scoping that scene
religiously
the CIA
or is it KGB?
committing countless crimes against humanity
with this kind of eventuality
as its excuse
for abuse after expensive abuse
and it didn't have a clue
look, another window to see through
way up here
on the 104th floor
look
another key
another door
10% literal
90% metaphor
3000 some poems disguised as people
on an almost too perfect day
must be more than poems
in some asshole's passion play
so now it's your job
and it's my job
to make it that way
to make sure they didn't die in vain
sshhhhhh....
baby listen
hear the train?

The beginning of the end, and a new beginning.

2011-05-10T16:04:00.000-06:00

Utah Valley University

I am officially enrolled for the rest of the classes needed for my undergraduate degree. This has been a long time coming. I have been going to UVU off and on since I graduated high school in 2003 (2001 if you count the classes I took while IN high school). Before committing to focus full time on college in summer 2008, I dropped out twice, changed majors at least 6 times - History, Psychology, Humanities, English, Communications, Earth Science (geology), and Environmental Studies, to name a few, before finally landing on Integrated Studies- emphasis in English (again) and Cinema Studies. Not to mention all the minors I have considered, the countless interests I have explored, clubs I've joined, activities, concepts I have been introduced to, conversations had, conferences attended and planned, internships, presentations I've sweated through, papers, tests, stress, fun, and all that comes along with the college experience. I have really become who I am today because of all of the experiences I have had in my time as a college student, all of the great opportunities I have experienced, and the people I have come in contact with.

UVU Library- where I have spent a great deal of time during my undergrad academic career.

As this part of my life is drawing to a close, I can't help but reflect on moments when I didn't think this time would ever come. When people would ask what my major was and I could not give a straight answer, when someone would ask when I was graduating and the only answer that made sense was "never", all I could really focus on was the segmented here and now of powering through the last bout of class finals for a semester, the last nerve wracking presentation (I loath public speaking), or the 10+ page paper with the looming deadline that I had yet to start... Now as the end of this part of my education draws near, I feel an overwhelming amount of gratitude for all of these experiences, the hardships and frustrations, all of the people who've helped and taught me along the way, and of course great times I have had with those I have met in at UVU. So to those of you who fall into this category- a big hug and thank you from the core of my being.

I'm looking forward to being finished, being graduated, but it does come with a sensation of bitter sweetness. Many of my friends and classmates graduated this past April, and while I could not be happier or prouder of them, it is strange that we will no longer have that college environment in common, which binds us all together. We've all been on this ride together for so long, it seems strange that we will all go in very different and separate directions in the coming years. Having been marking the box that says 'student' for so long, it will surely be strange to do something else. It will be an adventure I personally am ready to take on, at least for a short time until I figure out exactly what is happening for graduate school programs in the future (I'm hoping to find a law school who will accept me), but even that is a completely different beast than what I have been engulfed in here and now. All the potential changes and movements make me really try to savor the interactions that I have, because who knows what the future holds.

I guess growing up is inevitably around the corner, for those other chumps, not for me :)

Rainy Day Black Bean Soup

2011-04-27T16:10:00.000-06:00

Finals are over! Finally :) Now if we could only coax the sun from behind its cloudy blanket all could be well. As per usual, the weather in Utah has been pretty much bipolar for the entire month of April, and if you think like me, sometimes on a dark rainy day there is nothing better than a nice warm bowl of soup to lift the spirits. Unfortunately, I'm still on my bare cupboard cooking wagon but I was able to throw a few things together to create a satisfying wet weather meal. Jen and I even ate this the next day for lunch and it keeps well, I think it would even freeze nicely.

Rainy Day Black Bean Soup

Ingredients:

1 can black beans
1 can corn
1 can tomato soup + 1 can of water
1 c wild rice- cooked (I used a boxed rice, just cooked it according to the directions and added to soup)
1/8 c fine chopped onions
1/2 t lemon juice
1/2 t sriracha (or other hot sauce- the sriracha gives it a really nice spicy kick)
1/4 t pepper
1/4 t garlic
dash of salt

Add tomato soup and water to pot with onions and spices and bring to a near boil. Add drained black beans and corn, simmer about 5 minutes. Add cooked rice and simmer another 5 minutes until all ingredients are warm. Serve with bread or crackers, or it is great all by itself!

Fajita Potato Bowl

2011-04-21T12:59:00.000-06:00

It is finals. I get pretty stressed around this time of semester and tend to eat really poorly. (Ask me how many cookies I have had/made in the last 2 weeks!) I also have little time to devote to cooking as I should be studying or writing, so when I do cook, it has to be fast and easy (like cookies). I usually just throw whatever I have on hand in a pan and eat. I go for substance, not necessarily taste or health.

Last night, in keeping with my make shift meal making trend, I tossed a couple things I had lying around on the stove and it actually turned out surprisingly well, so I thought I would share. One problem I encountered is that I rarely measure ingredients when I whip up something like this, so what you get is an approximation. Keep in mind also that I was cooking for one, so you will have to make alterations to feed more than one hungry college student or single feminista (or whoever it is you cook for).

Fajita Potato Bowl

Ingredients: (keep in mind these are approximate)

1 med potato of your liking- chopped
1/4 c chopped onion
1/4 c chopped green pepper
1/2 cup cooked black beans
1/4- 1/2 c salsa
garlic
oil
Season All

Saute garlic in oil. Add onion and green pepper and saute slightly. Add potato and mix well to coat with remaining oil. Cover, stir occasionally to prevent burning. When potatoes are almost completely cooked, sprinkle with season all and stir in black beans and salsa (add enough salsa to cover all veggies). Cover again until potatoes are cooked thoroughly, check and stir regularly to prevent burning. Enjoy!

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For more quick and simple vegan cooking ideas, check out one of my go to sites The Vegan Stoner. They have quick and tasty ideas that can be made with staple foods many people have on hand regularly. Even if you don't participate in vegan cooking, you can enjoy the adorable drawings they place next to each post. :)

P.S. This was my dessert- vanilla soy milk and delicious whole wheat chocolate chip cookies from my cookie bible: "Vegan Cookies Invade Your Cookie Jar"- a must have cook book for ALL cookie connoisseurs- not only the vegan variety.

Ask A Vegan

2011-04-18T15:38:00.000-06:00

My blog was recently stumbled upon by another blogger who happens to be vegan and also happens to share my awesome name! Check out her blog Seitanic Vegan Heathen (love the play on words she does with the title- for those of you who don't know "seitan" is a meat substitute made with wheat often used in meat free recipes) She asked me to be in a feature she does regularly on her site called "Ask A Vegan" and I was happy to oblige. Rikki has some fantastic recipes that I am dying to try, and I found the "Ask a Vegan" features to be really interesting to read. It was fun to see how other vegans answered some of the questions she poses.

So check out her blog and check out my own and others answers to some pretty perplexing questions about the why's and how's of veganism.

Shuffled

2011-04-07T16:22:00.000-06:00

It is a shuffle sort of music day. The kind where you don't really know what you want to listen to, nothing and everything seem appealing... and so we shuffle. Isn't technology wonderful?
My zune has a special way of knowing exactly what type of music I am in the mood for, she just get me. :) I thought I would share a few particular one liners or lyric stanzas that are communicating things to me today (italics added for emphasis). I am constantly amazed at how the poetry of lyrics can be so intricate, abstract, and personal all at the same time.

Enjoy!

Neutral Milk Hotel- 2 Headed boy pt 2 (I have a live version of this that is AMAZING, but could not find an accompanying video to reflect what I actually hear)

In my dreams you're alive and you're crying
As your mouth moves in mine, soft and sweet
Rings of flowers around your eyes and I'll love you
For the rest of your life

Brother, see, we are one and the same
And you left with your head filled with flames
And you watched as your brains
Fell out through your teeth, push the pieces in place
Make your smile sweet to see, don't you take this away
I'm still wanting my face on your cheek

And when we break, we'll wait for our miracle
God is a place where some holy spectacle lies
And when we break, we'll wait for our miracle
God is a place you will wait for the rest of your life

Ben Gibbard- Recycled Air

I watch the patchwork farms' slow fade into the ocean's arms
And from here they can't see me stare
The stale taste of recycled air
I watch the patchwork farms' slow fade into the ocean's arms
Calm down, release your cares
The stale taste of recycled air

The Smiths- Please Please Please

So for once in my life
let me get what I want
Lord knows it would be the first time

(I don't actually feel this way today- but we have all been there)

Ani DiFranco- Joyful Girl (I of course have to include her, as she is my favorite and regularly speaks to me)

I do it for the joy it brings
because I'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world

'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way?
no, well o.k. then
don't cry

Bowerbirds- Crooked Lust

I was born a ghost
An apparition
Filled with holes
and contradiction

And I fear I'm the only one
So I wake early
watch the leaves quake
and the first light braze the trees
I hide myself in a secret place
Here I know my heart
I know it's careless
But, darling, you seem like you're fearless and
maybe you're my perfect fix

My conscience is
My conscience is an avalanche
majestic
bewildering
and wholly careless

I live with the tides
I live in reverence
and know the days are endless, endless

Vegan Birthday Doughnuts

2011-03-08T11:41:00.000-07:00

I had a really enjoyable couple of days celebrating my birthday with family and friends. I am really lucky to have so many wonderful people to share my celebrations and everyday adventures with! Thanks to everyone who made my day(s) special!

Usually, in our family, you get doughnuts for birthday breakfast. My sister decided that this tradition would not be broken just because of my lifestyle and the fact that vegan doughnuts are so hard to come by in this area. Because she is the best ever, she found a recipe online for vegan chocolate glazed doughnuts and we cooked up a couple batches and brought them to work with us. It is always fun hanging out with my sister, in the kitchen or other places. I think we laughed off all doughnut calories consumed! This recipe was delicious and extremely easy! The doughnuts got better with each bite!

Vegan Chocolate Glazed Doughnuts

What You Need-

For Doughnuts-

-1 cup non-dairy milk (we used soy)

-1 t lemon juice

-2 t vanilla

-3 T maple syrup

-1/4 c brown sugar

-2 cups wheat flour (we used 1 cup of wheat and 1 of white to diminish the wheaty taste)

-1/4 cup cocoa

-1/2 t salt

-1/2 t baking soda

-1/2 t baking powder

-1/4 c of chocolate chips (chopped fine)

For Glaze-

- 1 c powdered sugar

-1 t vanilla

-1 T maple syrup

-1 T non dairy milk (again, we used soy)

Preheat oven to 350. In a small bowl, whisk milk lemon juice maple syrup, brown sugar, and vanilla until foamy and bubbly. In a large bowl, combine flour, cocoa, salt, baking powder, baking soda, and chocolate chips. Pour wet mix into dry and mix well (mixture will be thick). Roll between hands and shape into doughnuts. (if the dough is a little sticky, put flour on your hands before rolling) Place on greased cookie sheet and bake for 15 minutes. Remove and let cool completely.

While doughnuts are baking, mix glaze ingredients. Once doughnuts are cool, submerge in glaze and place on wire rack to drip, dry and harden.

Makes 9-12 doughnuts

This is Jen and I hanging out cooking doughnuts. We had a little too much fun, as usual. She is pretty much my favorite sister :). I'm very lucky to know such an awesome, thoughtful, and fun person- let alone get to live with her and be related to her as well! She is stuck with me!

Dreams, I prefer thee now

2011-03-03T14:51:00.000-07:00

Any sound over the magnitude & volume of my thoughts is deafening.
The car tires as they stream along the freeway scream.
The only escape is sleep, & I do it early and often.
Without a stir I sink heavily into the cushioned surfaces and into the safety of dreams.

Spreading the Vegan Love

2011-02-24T15:56:00.000-07:00

Since going vegan almost a year ago (*gasp* has it been that long?) my close friend and personal favorite vegan, Kaycee, has been a great support and knowledgeable resource for me in all things vegan. Though I don't personally feel that being vegan is part of my identity (more on my philosophies on veganism to come in an anniversary post), this girl IS the embodiment of veganism- she lives and breathes the lifestyle and her passion for the issues show. Her example and commitment have influenced numerous people to rethink their own choices and realize the impact on they have on animals, the environment, and more.

Kaycee has become a vegan blog-o-sphere and outreach wizard. Recently she has been really working to network with other vegans all over the country to form a community of compassionate, conscious, and caring readers. She is constantly creating new and surprising recipes that are tasty for vegans and meat eaters alike as well as completely accessible for the everyday kitchen and cook. Her blog and recipes have been featured in various online publications and websites including vegweb . She posts tons of delicious hand crafted and easy to make recipes, does giveaways, reviews products and restaurants, and posts vegan news related items. She also participates and plans various vegan and animal rights related activities (many of which I also attend)including pot lucks, dinners, protests, petitions, letter writing, 5k's, cooking nights and classes and a panoply of other activities. She and some vegans she has met through her networking have started a veg community blog that is sure to be a great exercise in community consciousness and activism.

Her hard work and dedication are definitely paying off and her efforts are not going unnoticed. She is quoted and referenced (and pictured on the side there) in a great issue on veganism in Utah's own In This Week and even has a really yummy soup recipe featured there as well! The article lays out, in a very non veg/reader friendly way, some benefits of a vegan lifestyle from health to animals to environmental perks. It also has great recipes, veg blogs, local veg eateries, and helpful books and sites for those who are interested in more info, including the book The China Study which greatly influenced my lifestyle choices and outlooks on health and food.

I suggest everyone check out the article as well as Kaycee's efforts, you wont be disappointed.

Congrats Kayc! Keep spreading the positive message!

Kaycee & I at Vegan Drinks Potluck in SLC in Feb.

Animal Connections

2011-02-10T15:26:00.000-07:00

I passed a slaughter house truck on the freeway as I made the trek to work today. It never fails, every time I see one, my heart sinks in my chest. Sadly, they are usually empty as they pass, having already delivered their 'product' to their imminent demise. The hollow shell of death drives back and forth between living and dying with no possibility of diversion, only certain destruction. Today however as I approached, a broad black nose was shoved as far out of a small oval hole as it could possible protrude. A long goofy pink tongue lapped at the air, tasting the flavors of a freedom that it would never know. I physically reached out as I drove past, trying to forge some kind of connection. Their big brown eyes met mine for an instant before our paths took different directions.

My mind couldn't help but compare this image to those seen multiple times throughout my education, horrible photos of people being herded (I use that word very intentionally) onto somewhat similar looking caravans, crammed multiple bodies high and thick, hanging limbs out of windows reaching for an escape from a dismal future looming so closely, stoic faces peering through holes in sides of trains or trucks.

As I drove, the lyrics blasting from my stereo sang "when we die, we will die with our arms unbound". These caged creatures, deemed food rather than what they actually are- living, feeling, conscious, inhabitants of the same world as the rest of us- were heading toward their death at 65+ MPH. They would not die in the way that I and so many of us wish to- free, untethered, unbound, uninhibited. They would die in the exact opposite fashion- both literally and figuratively. They would be hung from their feet, throats cut, blood drained slowly perhaps painfully in a cold harsh room. The last sensory experiences they were to have would not be views of green pastures, the sun beating down on their backs, bees buzzing near their ears. Linking back to Holocaust images- what were some of those people's last experiences of this world?

I don't intend to equate animal slaughter for food production to the abominable genocidal actions that took place in World War 2, I understand the disconnects, but as I saw this truck today, with a lone cow nose poking through the grate, these were the images that came to mind and the overlaps in human and animal experience and suffering seem to me undeniable.

It is so striking that people and animals really are not that different in our behaviors, our baser desires, our instincts, our emotions.

John Stezaker- an artist after my own heart

2011-02-07T12:20:00.002-07:00

For those who do not know, I am a devout fan of surrealist art. It just speaks to me. Today, I came across this London artist who I was previously unfamiliar with, and now fear I may become OBSESSED with, a good kind of obsessed of course :) His name is John Stezaker and he works with concepts that are pretty close to my personal interests. He calls his pieces 'collages' because he uses ready made images and juxtaposes them together in unique ways to create meaning.

His current exhibition taking place in London right now (why am I not there!?) combines photos of classical Hollywood stars, calling into question our general concepts of gender. Notice how the feel of the images change when they are place next to one another in these ways- asking the viewer to reexamine their concepts of masculinity and femininity. They also touch on the aesthetic idea of the 'aura' of an art work, i.e. the meaning and significance it has in a particular place, space, and time. These sorts of reproductions and re-conceptualizations, I think, completely dismantle the seemingly intrinsic aura and invest it with something all together removed from the original meaning.

Through his editing, he addresses the ideas of perception and reality, gender, the concept of the aura in both art and film stardom and even draws into question our concepts of space and time (especially evident to me in his pieces composed of classic photos/footage and open spaces, architecture, and nature). Further more, some pieces seem to be commenting on ideas about space and connections on an interpersonal level.

Anyway, I thought they were really interesting on many levels. Check out more of his artwork, the pieces are really varied and remarkable, and very beautiful in my opinion.

Reaffirmation

2011-01-24T15:03:00.000-07:00

While I sit waiting for my car to undergo some maintenance, I take advantage of the wifi connection and jot a quick post about the first batch of documentaries screened. (see post of films screened here)

Something was so reaffirmed in me after seeing these films,all concerning activism in some regard, a feeling that I need to get out there and be a part of the movement and motion that is going on in the world today. Especially after the very impactful film, Sing your Song, depicting all of the activism that singer Harry Belafonte did, and is doing in so many areas (world hunger, peace, race, gang violence, prison and youth outreach...) it is still so apparent to me that there are things that need to be done in the world, that people can and are making differences and steps to create a different world and I just want to be a part of the change that needs to happen.Not simply that I want to be in an "it would be nice" idealist sense of speaking, but that it is where I belong, what I need to be doing with my life and time. Never has this notion been so clear in my mind.

It's more than being the change that I wish to see in the world, which is a nice start but is not enough, it's about bringing it forth in very real ways. I have been given some of the tools in which to make this happen through my life and especially education, it is just a matter of putting these tools to good use and honing in on the issues I wish to work with. I am capable and will aim my ambition toward these goals within the near future, gaining more experience and broadening my understanding of the knowledge and skills I will need to gain in order to contribute and apply myself in positive ways. As usual, my scope of interest is so broad, and narrowing it will prove to be a challenging step, but this is a journey I an anxious to embark on, not one of dread as it has been in choosing a college major. This is life, it's my life, and I'm finally nearing a place that I can begin putting my full energy and attention into these goals. So far I have greatly compartmentalized my involvement and attention, focusing largely on completing my degree, but with its culmination looming in the near future, I enter an exciting new realm of freedom and I feel a strong social responsibility to devote time and attention to causes greater than myself.

As always, any help, direction, tips, contacts, or encouragement is greatly appreciated, I am so looking forward to the future unfolding in whatever way it will.

Sundance Film Festival Heaven

2011-01-21T16:56:00.000-07:00

This semester, I was fortunate enough to be enrolled in a Sundance Film Festival class studying documentary specifically. This class is perfect for me, especially now as I write my senior thesis which deals explicitly with Documentary film and its revolutionary potential through realism. Blah Blah, I know- ANYWAY.... For this class we get are attending 10, yes 10, documentary films, and I COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED!!! All of the films we are seeing are in Salt Lake, which is so nice. If you have ever attended the festival in Park City, or attempted to go anywhere near the place while it is happening, you know that it is an absolute mad house. Mostly full of hawk eyed celeb watchers hoping to spot their favorite stars and get into bars and after parties, not even interested in the films themselves. People who specifically want to watch the films tend to avoid Park City if possible, although that is a broad generalization on my part, I know some like the energy that envelopes Park City during this time.

The class is seeing 3 films tomorrow, half the group (myself included) is seeing one Monday night, another 3 on Wednesday and the last 3 next Saturday. My professor (who I absolutely love, she is amazing) is also trying to get us all tickets to the best of show documentary on the last Sunday of the fest as well. I am looking forward to seeing what is happening in current documentary on the festival circuit. More importantly perhaps, I am looking forward to discussing these films with other cinema students and getting some conversation and ideas circulating! Below is a list of what I am seeing-

Saturday 1.22.11
If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front- "concern[ed] about ecological imbalance and capitalism run amok, ELF members and sleeper cells employed economic sabotage by destroying facilities involved in deforestation (especially excited for this, I am presenting and writing on it)
Sing Your Song- surveys the life and times of singer/actor/activist Harry Belafonte
Black Power Mix Tape 1967–1975-Swedish journalists traversed the Atlantic Ocean to film the black power movement in America

Monday 1.24.11
The Redemption of General Butt Naked- Story of a Liberian General who murder thousands, turned evangelist

Wednesday 1.26.11
Miss Representation- discusses the objectification of women in the media (I know I know, don't get me stared! Fuel for the fire!)
Crime After Crime- A look at the justice system through the case of one case who beat her boyfriend and the attorneys who attempt to get her acquitted
Rebirth- chronicles the lives of five people profoundly affected by the 9/11 attacks through ten years after the attacks

Saturday 1.29.11
The Flaw- an in depth look at the the U.S. financial collapse of 2007
Connected: An Autoblogography about Love, Death and Technology- "explores the visible and invisible connections linking major issues of our time—the environment, consumption, population growth, technology, human rights, the global economy"
The Interrupters- Story of former gang members who disrupt violence in their neighborhoods as it happens

As you can see, there is quiet a variety of topics to be discussed. Though I do wish I were seeing some non-documentary films, I am in no way settling with what I have been given! Maybe I will post about some of the most impactful films if I get time between the madness that will be next week. (I'm also teaching a film class for the first time on Monday- EEEEKKK!) So much to do, so much fun to be had! I am looking forward to spending all this time in Salt Lake as well. I have not been up much since my lovely London friend, kindred spirit, and partner in consciousness crime Susannah left for Turkey. I will reunite with the city, enjoys much coffee and conversation and see if my film threshold can be met!

Cheers!

When I grow up I want to be a Laura Veirs

2011-01-11T16:55:00.002-07:00

I have been a fan of Laura Veirs' music for a few years, since my little brother introduced me to the magic. Last year, she released the album JULY FLAME, which until today I have sadly neglected. I don't think I even listened to it when I put it on my computer, in one of those overloads of adding music. To think that I could have been enjoying this for A WHOLE YEAR is saddening, but I digress, I've (re)discovered this album and can't stop listening. Her lyrical poetry is simple yet so visual and I love the musical dynamics she is exploring with so many sounds and instruments in this album. This will be on repeat for awhile! Thanks Laura for sharing your talents, your poetry, and little pieces of yourself through music.

And now I share with you all-

Wide Eyed, Legless-(This is just the song, but I love the descriptions and verbiage she uses)

Down among the dead
The wide-eyed and the legless, only half a head
Half a mouth to laugh from the porthole
With the more than faded epitaphs

Will you ever more tie up my hair with velvet bows?
Will you ever more pull out the splinters from my toes?
I don't think so

Out in the hornet rain the swarming stingers
Pumping poison through my veins
Lacking on the star-crossed lover's map
Take the beating lash, lash for lash

Will we ever more kiss on the boardwalks fading red?
In the light of the waves and the comets waning tail
I don't think so

No more looking back, looking back, looking back
Faded epitaph
No more looking back, looking back, looking back
Faded epitaph
No more looking back, looking back, looking back
Faded epitaph
No more looking back, looking back, looking back
Faded epitaph

July Flame- (This song gave me chills, especially as it begins its descent at the end and the many voices chime in. I also LOVE this music video)

July Flame
Firey kind
Will always
Lead me through the night
Sweet summer peace
High up in the breath
Just out of my reach

Can I call you mine?
Can I call you mine?
Can I call you mine?
Can I call you mine?

July Flame
I'm seeing fireworks
They're so beautiful
Tell me why it hurts
July Flame
Ashes of a secret heart
Falling in my lemonade
Unsinkable thirsting in the backyard

Can I call you mine?
Can I call you mine?
Can I call you mine?
Can I call you mine?

Positive Vibrations

2011-01-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

I start this year and semester with a slight head cold, a heavy heart, and a 3 day shower hiatus...going on 4.

As the world spins madly on, I have no way of knowing what will or will not actually happen, and so many things are far outside my control. It really helps me to have something to look forward to, so I have created a list of tentative events that I would like to unfold for myself.

This is not a new years resolution post, I make 'resolutions' all year long as I see fit, but at the dawning of a new semester, I usually have a post about what the coming months will entail. In keeping with my intention to stay positive, finding something good in most every situation, I bring you the things I am looking forward to this year. (apart of course from good friends, good conversation, family time and film)

Finishing my Senior Thesis-

This is a great and looming task, casting a shadow over many thoughts and plans at this time. I am actually looking forward to diving into the research and becoming very familiarly acquainted with my chosen topic of film realism and documentary. It will feel great to get this daunting task out and completed this semester and have a smooth sailing experience in the fall for my final semester.

Graduation-
Many, MANY have inquired as to what I want to do with a degree in Cinema Studies and English. The answer, plain and simple is, I don't know. Unlike a trade, when I graduate I will be thrown into the working world with countless pages written, endless theory research, and various novels and films closely read and really no life experience to show for it. I think many a student leaves a university feeling lost, I don't pretend to be alone in this. We've checked the box marked 'student' for so many years that we don't really know how to do anything else. Maybe that is why many choose to continue in academic pursuits, and some permanently securing positions in a university setting. I'm not sure what road to take when I graduate, I'm just enjoying the ride while it lasts and trying my hand at a variety of options this semester including teaching and reviewing.

Yoga & Holistic Living-
I have been doing a lot of research and practicing various holistic living techniques, and while I understand that these would not suit every person's lifestyle, they seems to agree with mine, and my body, well. I have plans to do regular yoga (as opposed to the very intermittent quantity I have been doing), both alone and with friends and attending more educational gatherings to broaden my understanding and application of these concepts. I plan to continue and advance with my practices of buying local and organic products and supporting local businesses and reducing my negative effects on the environment by driving less and reusing and making my own products.

Travel-
Self explanatory really, I just wanna get out and soak up what the world has to offer, and try to give something back in return. I want to budget my money better in order to make more of this happen.

Great Red Rocks Adventure-
Living in such close proximity to such diverse beauty, I want to take advantage of it more often and more thoroughly. I'm planning to take a few trips down south and take in all the beauty the red rocks hold.

Great Northwest Adventure-
For lack of a better name currently, another adventure. A trip is in the works to head up to the lush northwest of our nation and visit a few possible grad schools and hike in a different range of nature.

Spanish Literacy-
I have been taking, and will continue to take, Spanish classes. Learning a language has proven to be one of the most challenging things I have done in my academic career. I am looking forward to having a greater literacy in this language and continuing to educate myself and use the skills I acquire. Not to mention understanding some Spanish in film and reading Lorca poetry in the original language.

Mexico 2011-
My family usually goes to Mexico with my extended family during December. We decided to stay home this year and a couple weeks on the beach after graduation this year will be a welcome retreat.

Netflix-
I have not allowed myself to get Netflix until after I graduate because I fear I would not get anything done for school, but when school is out, all bet are off and I will begin the joy that is streaming films. The Orem Library will surely be sad to no longer see my dollars, I may have nearly funded a new wing for them over the years. :)

An Animal Companion-
I have been longing for an animal companion for many years, maybe I can make this happen this year as well, or at least make steps in security to make this a closer possibility. This seems a bit farther off writing this now, but I'll keep it here as a reminder.

Aging Gracefully-

Last year, when I turned 25, I dreaded the thought and really agonized over it for months. It was completely pointless to have done so and I actually ended up having a really nice birthday, and surrounding days, thanks to some great friends and family. I realized that I have a lot to look forward to and accomplish and that getting older does not really have to be so dreaded. When I see people who are younger than I am, in high school or just entering college, I would not wish to trade places with them, and I realize that I am enjoying being the age that I am, and will enjoy the ages to follow if I take advantage of life opportunities and keep myself healthy and active.

Though some days I have my doubts, I do have a lot to offer and experience.

Namaste to All Readers

2010-12-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, as I sat bored with no school work to speak of, I made a necklace with some charms I picked up from the craft store trip with my mom. One charm is the Om (or Aum- learn about its meaning here) symbol, of whose meaning I have been familiar with, and the other is a lower case print of the word 'namaste' which I have heard many times but have never known the actually meaning. So I looked it up today, and was boggled at how one word can have such layered meaning and be such a beautiful and peaceful sentiment! This is what I found on wikipedia-

Namaste is one of a small list of Sanskrit words commonly recognized by Non-Hindi speakers.

Namaskār (Devnagari/Hindi: नमस्कार) literally means "I bow to [your] form".

"I honor the Spirit in you which is also in me." -- attributed to but not claimed by author Deepak Chopra
"I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Integrity, of Wisdom and of Peace. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One."
"That which is of God in me greets that which is of God in you."
"The Divinity within me perceives and adores the Divinity within you."

And here this statement- "The gesture Namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra. The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another."

I love words.

Language Can Incriminate You

2010-12-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

Ok- this is my very first rant about veganism. NONE of you have to read it, but I have given fair warning.

I was not vegetarian very long before I went vegan, maybe 2 full years or 2 1/2 (I'm not one for counting). I dabbled with vegetarianism in high school at various times but it never really stuck. My sister even dated some pretty radical vegans and I didn't share their beliefs but I was always inquisitive and respectful. If they brought up a good point, I acknowledged it-adversely if they were spouting faux facts and half truth I also called them on it. I personally pride myself on being broad minded. I know who I am, what I stand for and allow others the same courtesy. I don't consider myself one of those 'preachy' vegans. You may know they type- who feel everyone in the entire world should be vegan and they let all the meat eaters know. Who constantly blast others about what they are eating or how meat or other points of interest for these self appointed saviors effect the world, animals, or the body. While I do believe in education and spreading social awareness, I DO NOT believe that beating people over the head with something is the best way to do this.

That being said, I'm sick and tired of the ignorance of a large majority of people. Today at work on the other side of my cubicle some people were talking about vegetarian and veganism. They were commenting on how they though they could easily be vegetarian but could never be vegan.
(This is were I get a little ranty-) It's not a matter of ability- its a matter of choice. Veganism is a lifestyle choice that many are UNWILLING but not UNABLE to make. Which is fine, I understand fully that it is a big commitment that not everyone is willing to make, but what gets me is when people talk about it as though it were as impossible as sprouting wings and flying to the moon. Saying "I could never be vegan" sounds so ignorant to me, as you chow down on your slice of turkey and creamy mashed potatoes (me being a little judgmental now). It would be the equivalent of me, as a vegan, saying, "I could never eat meat again"- a statement which ignores the fact that I am completely capable of eating meat again, however, I am choosing not to. A more accurate statement, and one that would indicate an aknowledgement of responsibility on the part of the stator would be "I don't think I would ever be vegan/ eat meat" or more blatantly "I would never be a vegan/eat meat". I know language is tricky, but people (myself included)should pay attention to how they use it.

I am in no way trying to say that a person who doesn't feel they would ever adopt a vegan lifestyle is wrong. Or that one who does is right. I'm not about that. I say if you want to eat meat, do so, if you want to go to church, good for you, if you want to do a multitude of things that I may or may not agree with- more power to you and I hope whatever it is you choose makes you happy. I'm simply saying, be aware of yourself, how you sound, and what your statements mean.

The point is, it is possible to coexist peacefully, to be respectful of each others opinions lifestyles and values even if you don't agree. We are in dire need of a little more sensitivity on all ends of the spectrum, and a little more awareness of our speech and surroundings.

*UPDATE*- Yesterday, one of the above accused came up to me and said he was sorry if what he said had offended me and offered to give me a recipe for a sweet potato soup he had tried that was vegan and delicious. This just goes to chow that language use really can and does speak volumes about those who use it- in positive an negative ways. Though I was not necessarily offended by the conversation he was having, I was impressed that he cared enough to apologize and try to make amends to a person whom he rarely interacts with and does not know much about. Not many would care, so this speaks a lot about this person. I appreciated the sentiment a great deal.

End of the Semester Blues

2010-12-15T13:33:00.000-07:00

It's the end of another semester, I have survived yet again. This has been, dare I say, the most trying semester of my academic career. Not necessary the most difficult from an academic standpoint, but in sheer degree of busyness- 13 credits, 2 jobs, organizing another conference, homework, learning a language- I have been going non stop. It was not without its enjoyable moments, but I'm very glad it has finally come to an end.

I have been feeling very heavy lately, very stressed and unpleasant. So- instead of expressing those feelings here, I am going to try to turn it around by writing about a few things that I have been especially appreciating in my life as of late.

In no particular order, here are a few:

-My mom: If everyone in the world had a mom as wonderful as mine, it would be a far different place. She is endlessly patient and tries to make everyone around her feel comfortable, welcome, and loved all the time. That sounds exhausting, but she rarely shows the wear. Whenever I call or go to her house, she asks a million questions about what is happening in my life- and she is genuinely interested. Since I became vegan, she had put forth a special effort to make sure that there are always things that I can eat at her house, and she accommodates my crazy dietary desires at every family meal, big or small, preparing special items for me (including desserts) and making sure that I am taken care of and included, all without complaint or expectation of some kind of return. I'm very lucky to have the family that I do, providing me with undaunted support and care.

-School: It took me many years to really commit to going to school and to put my heart into it. These past few years have been so rewarding and challenging and I have grown so much intellectually as well as personally. I have made some great friends, acquaintances, and associates through school programs and classes who have made my college experience what it has been. I have done things I never thought I would, and discovered I am capable of much more than I knew. I continue working to expand my knowledge and experience as far as it will stretch.
Although it appears that a bachelors degree is all the more lowly in a world where people with doctorate degrees are seemingly springing from the wood works, it will still be an accomplishment for me, and one that I worked hard to gain. Putting myself through school with minimal loans and full time work has been difficult and busy, but I have been lucky enough to have a job all the while- usually 2 jobs in fact- and even more lucky to have jobs that will work around my ever changing school schedule. Though the work at my current place of employment is not the kind I could see myself doing long term, the people who I work with make the environment a place that I actually look forward to going.

-Utah: Yep, that's right, I'm feeling appreciative of living in this state. Everyday as I drive home on the congested, construction filled freeway and see the winter sun setting over the lake streaming the sky with fiery oranges, yellows, and soft lavenders and pinks, I wonder if there is possibly a more beautiful place to live? Where else can you be within a few hours drive of so many different possible scenes and landscapes, each with something unique and beautiful to offer up. As much as I loathed this place in younger years, I have come to realize that it's really not so bad. It's safe, I may complain about the winter but I season changes are nice, and as mentioned- so lovely. I do have this unquenchable wanderlust and will undoubtedly find myself in many places, but I'm happy to say Utah will always be shrouded in a sense of home.

-Poetry: Lately I have been exposed to many types of poetry, both traditional and less so. I don't feel poetry is confined to words, I think that nature displays a sort of poetry that can be appreciated if one can slow down to pay attention. I'll admit that the slowing down has been hard for me as of late and I miss it. Something is reawakened in me when I have some time to contemplate, if only for a moment. I have always written, ever since I was young, but my writing has been slow going- it echos my moods. I have been making a conscious effort over the past month or so to write- JUST WRITE ANYTHING- and I feel it is picking up again. There is a direct correlation to my creative process and personal reflective contemplation time. Knowing this, I want to focus on devoting more moments to this. Seeing word poets in action is so invigorating and inspiring for me, I feel lucky to be in proximity in an academic environment to witness a few. I hope to find a few more locally.

There are of course a long list of people in my life who have offered support and companionship whom I wish I could single out individually and express a sentiment of thanks. Writing this just now, I think I actually may do that. But as far as this blog post is concerned I am incredibly lucky to have a support system of people who will listen to me rant when I'm upset, who want to share moments with me, who laugh with me and make me laugh, who will talk me down when I get irrational, who've motivated me through example, who tell me I have worth when I feel worthless, who may have felt bad when they had only a warm smile to offer but that was all I really needed, who help me want to be a better, more compassionate, and ethical person, who I in turn want to spend time with and help when they feel down, who've waited for me patiently when I get so lost, busy, or off track, who want good things for me and who I can celebrate good times together with, who have taught me more than any text book. I couldn't do any of the things I have been able to do in my life without the backup of so many. So thank you. I hope you know who you are.

Ode to the Prankster

2010-11-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

My Brother, Tyler, pictured above. This kid likes to have a good time and seems to do so pretty much wherever he goes. As he has grown up, he has become a master prankster, if only recently. (See my facebook for his lovely decoration of my beloved Subaru this past April Fool's day) Today he got my mom, and good. A proper burn if one has been had, similar to those played in the days of underwear on the clothes line.

I don't know how many of your mothers wear the oversized tee shirt PJ's, but my mom has a few with characters or cute sayings. They are not particularly embarrassing, until they are hung on the flagpole outside my parents house for all the world to see.

Touche brother, touche. Although, I'm not sure if you are familiar with the Loveless' slogan of "I don't get mad, I get even" but this constitutes a large amount of well deserved 'getting even' coming your way.

Manifest Vegan Red Pepper Falafel

2010-11-12T09:15:00.000-07:00

Manifest Vegan is the most amazing vegan recipe- neigh, most amazing recipe blog PERIOD- on the planet. Yes, fact. Kaycee & I have experimented with many recipes from this blog and are never disappointed with the results.

Last night we had our most successful vegan cooking night to date. We made Manifest's Roasted Red Pepper Falafel and it was, dare I say, one of the best falafel meals I have ever had. AND WE MADE IT! Proud? Yes, very! Check out her recipe and make some yourself! It was incredibly easy and tasty. We snacked on these little babies plain and made traditional greek pita sandwiches, complete with our own homemade version of tzitziki and a red pepper eggplant sauce.

We halfed the recipe and still had plenty to share, so we called our new fabulous vegan friends, Gheybin & Greg over to share the wealth and company (and a slightly modified version of this pumpkin nog). It was a really enjoyable night, and always a pleasure to meet like minded people!

Lines for Winter

2010-11-10T10:52:00.000-07:00

It started snowing this morning, what better way to celebrate this change of season, so unwelcome by some, than with a hopeful poem.

Lines For Winter by Mark Strand

Tell yourself
as it gets cold and gray falls from the air
that you will go on
walking, hearing
the same tune no matter where
you find yourself --
inside the dome of dark
or under the cracking white
of the moon's gaze in a valley of snow.
Tonight as it gets cold
tell yourself
what you know which is nothing
but the tune your bones play
as you keep going. And you will be able
for once to lie down under the small fire
of winter stars.
And if it happens that you cannot
go on or turn back and you find yourself
where you will be at the end,
tell yourself
in that final flowing of cold through your limbs
that you love what you are.

All in a Weekend

2010-10-22T14:47:00.000-06:00

I'm in the mood to post a very picture-y post. So here is what I'm doing this weekend- in photo form.

Seeing Red tonight with work friends with fun to follow the movie hopefully.

Going to the Kava Tea bar to send my dear London friend Susannah off to nanny in Istanbul (yes I am VERY envious- of the Turkey, not the nanny part)

Then we will meet some other London freinds and school people (including my favorite professor)for a raw food experience at a restaurant called Omar's Rawtopia in Sugarhouse

Following lunch, I will FINALLY be seeing the long awaited Howl!

Ending the evening with a screening of the new cut of the film The Sonosopher at the SLC library.

Eventful? Yes. I am more excited than should be legally allowed.

Malawi's Pizza Project- Restaurant Review

2010-10-22T13:36:00.000-06:00

Check out the review I wrote for a new restaurant, Malawi's Pizza Project, on the animal ethics blog Change for Animals!

Oh, and try Malawi's, I highly recommend it!

Sea World Map Experiment

2010-10-08T14:41:00.001-06:00

This week is fall break, and it could not come soon enough. I have been killing myself this semester with 2 jobs, planning another conference, 13 credits at school (4 of which are Spanish-that in it self is melting my brain), still attempting to teach myself the guitar, small acts of activism, and vegan cooking nights (which are the highlight of my week usually).

My amazing dad who loves to go go go places (I wonder where my incessant wanderlust must spring from) decided to take whoever wanted to go to California. More specifically to Universal Studios and Sea World. When I was younger these were some of my favorite places to visit- movies and animals in theme park form? Yes please. Now that I am older and make a conscious effort to live an ethical lifestyle I felt a little conflicted as to whether or not I would be going on this trip, not only for moral reasons, but the fact that it is midterm and I knew I would be swamped.

I decided to go. I've spent most of my weekend locked inside trying to write papers and study for exams so that I will not be behind and can enjoy a nice weekend trip with my family. I feel it is more important to spend time with the people I love than always having moral objections to things in the world. To justify this to myself in a way, I do have a *minor* obsession with all things film, so missing an opportunity to go to Hollywood film mecca would be a scandal. In addition, my nephew is in an "I love fishies (or shishies in 2 year old speak)" phase, it will be fun to watch him light up at Sea World, and possibly more fun to watch my parents show him all there is to discover. I'm not sure if any child is more adored than that one. All in all, I'm
anticipating a nice weekend away (despite being hoovered over my computer on the drive).

This trip to Sea World will not be without some investigation though. One of my special topics English classes is discussing the rhetoric of maps and how culture influences what is included/excluded or how travelers are directed etc. (that is just scratching the surface of the topics we discuss). With a looming final project in the back of my mind I am planning to begin my research on this trip. I want to pay attention and make some argument (yet to be determined) about how theme parks, or specifically this Sea World, use rhetorical strategies to get people do to, or see, or think certain things. With all the controversy surrounding treatment of animals in parks such as this, I would like to draw conclusions about how the park attempts to thwart these ideas and paint a picture of happy performing animals who love their trainers and live a pleasant life in captivity.

If I can come up with a sufficient argument, I will submit my project to various academic conferences at the prodding of fellow students and admired professors to gain some padding for my academic resume. There are a few that take place in the spring whose deadlines are coming up, so hopefully I can get some good information on this trip.

Oh rhetoric, you maiden's mask! I never thought rhetoric sounded all that interesting but I am really getting into it.

More to come, I'm sure you wait with breath that is baited.

Easy Homemade Granola Bars

2010-10-08T13:55:00.000-06:00

I have been complaining (mostly to myself) about the difficulty in finding vegan granola bars that wont cause this poor college student to drop out of school and find a less than savory job in order to support my granola habit. I found a really easy recipe from a favorite blog (recipe altered from this post- check out this blog it is amazing!) and my mom and I cooked up a couple batches of our own.

You can add pretty much whatever mixture of nuts, seeds, chocolate, or fruit you like and the measurements can be altered to fit your taste as well. We made 2 batches and here is what we used-

Granola Bars: makes about 20

3 cups rolled oats each batch
½ cup shredded coconut
1 cup chopped walnuts
½ cup chopped almonds
¼ cup flaxseeds
¼ cup wheat germ
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
½ cup agave nectar or honey
½ cup peanut butter
¼ cup dark brown sugar
¼ cup each of dies cranberries & raisins
¼ cup chocolate chips (semi-sweet vegan if that is how you swing)

Heat oven to 325º. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and arrange oats, nuts, seeds and coconut shreds and toast for 15 minutes.

Combine Honey/agave peanut butter, salt, brown sugar, and cinnamon over low heat until sugar dissolves.

Pour wet concoction over your toasted dry ingredients and mix well. Add any fruit. If adding Chocolate chips allow mixture to cool then mix them in to avoid melting or press them over the top and press in with the next step. (might also be an option to melt chocolate and drizzle over completed bars.) Spread out in a glass baking pan and press down firmly to eliminate air pockets. Bake for 30 minutes.

Allow to cool completely then cut and enjoy!

Remember/ forget

2010-10-07T14:22:00.001-06:00

Remember circle walking and the holes in soles of shoes.
Remember anxiously awaiting comforting good news.

Remember late night dreamlands fluttering behind closed eyes.
Remember waking warm to see reality applies.

Remember empty crowded rooms with two souls residing there.
Remember huddled blankets and music filled cold air.

Remember feathered contact and the sweeping of the tide.
Remember crumbled rubble with no place to hide inside.

Remember placing delicate white petals in space.
Remember swirling motion enveloping a foreign place.

Remember tangled branches reaching out to cloudless skies.
Remember balance in the season right before it dies.

Now...

forget the stirring water and the gentle peace in rain.
forget to turn the burner off and light the fire again.

forget to sleep in silence rooted deep inside the room.
forget the singing granite shining underneath the moon.

forget the pacing nerves and constant running of the mind.
forget to look for something that's impossible to find.

10 Things I Am Passionate About

2010-09-22T11:12:00.000-06:00

I was tagged in Kaycee's blog to post 10 things that I love... So without further a due, here they are in no particular order.

Experiencing New Places

Writing & Poetry

Connecting with the World & Others

Surrealism

Human & Animal Rights

Film

Environmentalism

Knowledge & Ethics

Being Outdoors

Movement

You are supposed to tag people to do this as well, but I am more of the line of thought that if you are so compelled to do this, please do! I would love to read them and it is harder to narrow down than you may think.

Change for Animals

2010-09-10T11:17:00.000-06:00

A good friend, Kaycee and I started an activist group to spread information and promote activism for animals, the environment, and health. Please be so kind as to check it out at changeforanimals.org.

Our site was just launched and we have tons of great info there! Recipes, FAQs, Events, Donations, and much more. We are on blogger so you can follow us! If you don't have a blogger account you can subscribe by email on the left side of the page.

We will continually be posting useful information, recipes, and items for sale with proceeds benefiting our endeavors. We hope to gain members and host events including book clubs, cooking nights, protests, petitions, benefits, as well as getting the group involved in volunteering and other established socially and environmentally conscious efforts.

We can only do what we can as people in this world, at Change for Animals we are making sure that what we can do is being done. Thanks for the support!

Vegan Peach Birthday Pie

2010-09-09T11:03:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was Mark's birthday and since he is crazy and does not like cake, I made him a birthday pie. He had mentioned liking fruit pies so I made a mental note and put the creation together. I even purchased local peaches! It would have been even better were I able to snag some from my grandmas fruit trees, but they were not quiet ripe. I have never made any sort of pie before and I was nervous that it would be awful but it actually turned out pretty well! Mark said he liked it, so I deem this a success.

I am getting the hang of this cooking thing! The girl who used to burn rice can now make anything, I am confident. I keep telling people I am like Betty Crocker now. Although, I felt a little hypocritical for baking a pie while grooving to Ani Difranco. haha

I did a few minor things a little differently than the recipe. I mixed my crust dough by hand (because I have no food processor) the night before and froze it. Note to give plenty of time for it to unthaw before attempting to use it. It was served warm with soy whip cream, yum!

Here is the recipe- (found on dairyfreecooking.about.com)

Pie Crust-
Makes enough 1 double-crust 9" pie or 2 single-crust 9" pie crusts
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Total Time: 10 minutes
Ingredients:
* 2 ½ cups all-purpose flour
* ¾ t. salt
* 2 t. sugar
* ½ cup (1 stick) cold soy margarine
* 8 oz. (1 tub) cold dairy-free cream cheese, such as tofutti
* about 1/3 cup ice cold water, more if needed

Preparation:
1. In a food processor, combine the flour, salt and sugar. Add the soy margarine and dairy-free cream cheese and pulse until the mixture resembles fine crumbs. While the machine is still running, gradually add the water until the dough just holds together and pulls away from the sides of the bowl.
2. Divide dough in half, wrap each half in plastic and refrigerate for at least 45 minutes before using, or up to overnight.

Peach Pie-

(inside of pie before covering)

Makes one 9" pie
Ingredients:
* 1 Recipe Dairy-Free Pie Dough
* 5 1/2 cups fresh peeled peach slices
* 1 t. lemon juice
* 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
* 3/4 cup unrefined cane sugar or white granulated sugar, plus more for sprinkling
* 1/2 t. cinnamon
* 1/4 t. salt
* Plain dairy-free soy milk, for brushing

Preparation:
1.Lightly grease a 9" pie plate with dairy-free soy margarine. Roll out half of the dairy-free pie dough, and fit into the pie plate. Using your fingers, create a crust around the edge. Place the pie plate, uncovered, in the freezer for 15 minutes.
2. Preheat the oven to 400 F.
3. Place the peaches in a large mixing bowl, and toss with the lemon juice. In another small bowl, sift together the flour, sugar, cinnamon and salt. Toss over the peaches and mix gently until evenly incorporated. Pour the mixture into the prepared pie crust. Roll out the remaining dairy-free pie dough and fit over the top of the pie, folding the edges under. Using your fingers or a fork, flute the edges to seal. Lightly brush the top crust with dairy-free soy milk and sprinkle with sugar.
3.Bake for 10 minutes, then turn down the heat to 350 F and bake for 30-35 minutes more. Allow the pie to cool on a wire cooling rack. Serve warm or cold.

Apologies once again for the poor quality camera phone pictures, one day I will use my actual camera and have a decent photo. Maybe :)

5k Run/Walk for the Animals of Ching Farm Rescue & Sanctuary

2010-09-07T14:53:00.000-06:00

Coming up on October 2nd the animal rights and environmental organization Kaycee and I started, Change for Animals is pleased to be a part of the 2nd Annual 5k Run/Walk and 10k Run for the Animals of Ching Farm Rescue & Sanctuary.

Start: Saturday, October 02, 2010 @ 8:00 AM
Memory Grove
370 North Canyon Road Salt Lake City, UT

Ching Farm Rescue & Sanctuary takes in animals of all kinds (especially farm animals) finds homes for them when possible and gives them a better life. This event will help to feed these animals and make sure they get the care and respect they deserve. They are offering a 5K walk/run, 10K run, or even the sleep in option of you would like to donate but don't have a strong desire to get out and move. Visit the Chaing Sanctuary site at chingsanctuary.org.

You can sign up for this event, donate and/or get more information by visiting www.active.com/running/salt-lake-city-ut/2nd-annual-5k-runwalk-and-10k-run-for-the-animals-of-ching-farm-rescue-and-sanctuary-2010.

We have set up a race group under the name changeforanimals, simply register and chose this group name when you sign up to join us in supporting this great cause. The cost is $25 with proceeds going directly to the animals (sans the cost of tee shirts for each participant). I have been getting updates from Ching via twitter and it sounds like there will be prizes and entertainment throughout the day, it promises to be a good time for a great cause.

If anyone wants to carpool, join, donate or would like more information I would be happy to provide it! It would be great to have a nice big group who donated for this, and even better for a group of walkers! (yes I will be walking- running and I do not mix)

Family Pizza Night

2010-09-02T11:41:00.001-06:00

Last night my favorite brother Tyler came to Jen and I's apartment and we made pizzas. Jen made a whole wheat dough from scratch (I'm not including the recipe because I promised a no recipe post! But it was delicious and if anyone wants it, I can give it to you) and we got a boat load of fresh veggies from my mom's garden to top them. We even made Sawyer his own baby sized pizza. I only have crappy camera phones pics but the point still gets made. It was a really fun night! It has been awhile since we all spent some time together and it was nice. I'm really lucky to have siblings who I consider to be some of my closest friends.

Tyler enjoying his pizza! He had never had artichokes before, he officially added those to the list of veggies he likes. Success for Jen and I in introducing him to new foods!

My perfect vegan pizza! Who needs cheese when you have all these toppings?! All the pizza dough we rolled seemed to take on odd shapes. Tyler's was Africa. We had so much dough that we fed a few friends as well and Jen and I made pizzas to take to work for lunch the next day.

Here we are, full of pizza kicking back on the couch.

Vegan Lasagne

2010-08-31T15:08:00.000-06:00

Um... Why is this turning into a vegan recipe blog? Maybe Mark summed it up well when he said "This is what we do with our spare time, figure out how to eat." Well, not all our spare time :)

Anyhow, here is the latest in vegan cooking adventures- Vegan lasagna. Not Kaycee, Mark, nor I had ever made a lasagna before and I think this turned out really well and was surprisingly easy! We ended up eating almost the entire pan, even my not-even-close-to-vegan friend Pace, who joined us for dinner, enjoyed it!

Vegan Lasagna

Ingredients:
9 Lasagna Noodles

Sauce:
1 Jar of Vegan Marinera Sauce (24 oz.)
1 Cup Broccoli (chopped small)
1 Medium Onion (chopped into 1/2 x 1/2 pieces or smaller)
1/2 Cup Olives (sliced)
2 Cloves Garlic (minced or pressed)

"Cheese":
1 Package of Firm Tofu
1/2 Cup Vegan Cream Cheese (we used Tofutti)
1 Tsp. Salt
Spinach

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a large pot boil water and add lasagna noodles, let cook until noodles are soft but firm.

Chop broccoli, onions, olives and garlic. Saute the onions and broccoli until the broccoli is soft and the onions are transparent. Add the garlic and let saute together for 2 minutes continually stirring so as to not over-cook the garlic.

In a food processor combine your tofu, cream cheese, salt and a hand full of spinach. Mix until it turns into a smooth sauce.

Pour a thin layer of marinera on the bottom of a 9 x 13 inch pan. With the remaining marinera, add the vegetables and mix together. Once your noodles are done cooking, add 3 of them going long ways across your sauce. Then spread a layer of your "cheese" or tofu mixture on top of the noodles. Then add a layer or uncooked spinach leaves across your "cheese." Next add a layer of your marinera mixture. Then add another layer of lasagna noodles. Then another layer of "cheese." Then another layer of spinach leaves. Then a layer of your marinera mixtures. Then add another layer of lasagna noodles. Then add a layer of your marinera mixture as the top layer.

Layers:
Plain Marinera
Lasagna Noodles
"Cheese" (tofu mixture)
Spinach Leaves
Marinera and Veggie Mixture
Lasagna Noodles
"Cheese" (tofu mixture)
Spinach Leaves
Marinera and Veggie Mixture
Lasagna Noodles
Marinera and Veggie Mixture

Put in the over for 30-35 minutes.

Let cook for 5-10 minutes.

Serves 6-8.

I promise a non-recipe post in the near future, but for now, let your mouth water.

Vegan Pot Pie

2010-08-27T11:03:00.000-06:00

It is time once again for vegan cooking night, easily one of my favorite activities! I am a blog slacker but, here is the recipe and pics from our last vegan cooking adventure- Vegan Pot Pie! It turned out really well, we were both really pleased. We made a few corrections to the recipe to improve it for next time though. All in all another success!
Ingredients:

Crust:
3 C Flour
3/4 tsp. Salt
1 C Softened Vegan Margarine
1/2 C Water

Filling:
3 C Vegetable Broth
2 Small Potatoes
1 C Carrots
1/2 C Peas
1/2 C Corn
1/2 C Broccoli Florets
1/2 C White Onion
1 3/4 tsp. Cumin
2 Tbsp. Olive Oil
Corn Starch (to your liking)

Directions:

Preheat your oven to 425 degrees.

Peal your potatoes and chop into cubes about 1/2 inch x 1/2 inch. Chop your carrots into thin slices no thicker than 1/4 inch. Chop your broccoli into small pieces. Chop your onion into 1/2 inch by 1/2 inch pieces.

If you are using canned corn or peas, drain the liquid then measure.
If you are using frozen corn or peas rinse under warm water then measure.

Saute your onions in your olive oil until they become translucent.

Heat your vegetable broth in a medium size pot until it comes to a boil. Once your broth boils add your cumin and lower your heat to medium. Mix your corn starch according to the directions on the package, then slowly stir in your corn starch until it thickens to your liking. Add vegetables to your mixture and let sit for 15 minutes. Stir frequently so your mixture doesn't scorch.

While you're mixture is cooking on the stove prepare your dough. Mix your flour and salt, slowing fold in your softened margarine until it crumbles. Stir in your water and mix the dough thoroughly with your hands. Once the dough is mixed divide it in half. Roll out half of the dough fairly thin, large enough to cover the bottom and sides of a 9 inch pie dish or similar size casserole dish. Once you have done this, roll out your left over dough to cover the top of your pie.

Once your mixture has been on the stove for 15 minutes, pour it into your pie pan or casserole dish. Take your rolled out dough and lay it over the top of your dish. Press together the two pieces of dough around the edges with your fingers or a fork.

We had a little extra dough so we thought: Why not make some fish cut outs for the top! I mean, why not?

Place in the over for 30 minutes or until your dough is golden brown around the edges.

Kaycee and I have been doing some brainstorming to start an activist group, it is will be pretty exciting to see if we can get things off the ground! For now we continue our pursuit of vegan chef-dom! Tonight is Vegan Lasagna!

Tortilla Samosas

2010-08-18T13:57:00.000-06:00

Thought I should post this up before the next vegan cooking night commences this week!

Last week Kaycee and i made Tortilla Samosas and Peanut Butter Pillow Cookies. The cookies didn't turn out so well but I have been enjoying the Samosas all week! It was so easy and the mango sauce would be great on a variety of dishes.

Here are some photos and the recipe-

Tortilla Samosas:

3 medium-large Potatoes, peeled, boiled, mashed
2 tsp Curry powder
1 C Frozen peas, boiled
6 Whole wheat tortillas
1 tsp salt

Creamy Mango Dip:

1 Large mango
1 Lime (juiced)
1/4 C Canola oil
1 Tbsp Agave nectar
1/4 tsp Onion powder
1/4 tsp Salt

Mix the potatoes, peas, curry powder, and salt together and set aside. Blend mango dip ingredients in blender until smooth and creamy.

Heat a griddle or large frying pan. Spread half of each tortilla with potato filling, fold over, and grill until toasted on each side. Dip in mango sauce.

Recipe courtesy of http://meggieandben.blogspot.com

Next, we tackle Vegan Pot Pie!! Yum!

2010-08-12T13:15:00.000-06:00

My good friend Kaycee posted this on her blog- it made me so happy I decided to copy her :) She doesn't mind, I hope!

The lovely band below is Mumford and Sons from the UK. They are, in a word, amazing. Kaycee loves them. Rikki loves them. Jen loves them. many many more like us love them. We will make a journey in October to see them in the magical city of Denver. Jen and I have been searching for cheap hotels this morning and Kaycee has been calculating how much gas will cost us. We are ready! Three girls with a mission, no stopping us.

I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS! Can it be October already, please?

+

=

Kaycee and I are going to start vegan cooking again also. I have missed this very much. It culminates tonight with this delicious recipe for Tortilla Samosas with Mango Dip from the vegan cooking blog of a girl I know from school http://meggieandben.blogspot.com/2010/08/tortilla-samosas-with-mango-dip.html and hopefully some chocolate peanut butter pillow cookies from the vegan cookie book I bought so I would not have to give up my one true love when I decided to become vegan. Drool over this photo-

Totally vegan and totally delicious! Hopefully we can take some pictures of our creations and I'll post them up. Should be a fun night!

Days like this, where I have things to look forward to and good friends to look forward to spending time with remind me why life is actually wonderful.

I just want a simple life.

2010-07-29T11:19:00.000-06:00

Seems others do as well-

I discovered these first 2 and found them to be very naturalistic and moving.

Geese appear high over us, pass, and the sky closes. Abandon, as in love or sleep, holds them to their way, clear in the ancient faith: what we need is here. And we pray, not for new earth or heaven, but to be quiet in heart, and in eye, clear. What we need is here. ~Wendell Berry

To find the universal elements enough; to find the air and the water exhilarating; to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening saunter... to be thrilled by the stars at night; to be elated over a bird's nest or a wildflower in spring - these are some of the rewards of the simple life. ~John Burroughs

I am a wanderer, a reflective one at that. I want only to be moved by natural elements, to be touched by things the fast moving world misses. I want to slow and enjoy moments with other, with the world. This is such a conscious effort.

I enjoy Thoreau, so naturally some of his words make it in here as well.
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler. ~Thoreau

Most of the luxuries, and many of the so-called comforts of life, are not only not indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind. ~Thoreau or woman kind :)

Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify. Simplicity of life and elevation of purpose. ~Thoreau

Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity! I say let your affairs be as one, two, three and to a hundred or a thousand… We are happy in proportion to the things we can do without. ~Thoreau

The less we have the more we can appreciate the freedom that comes with it. People don't need to be cluttered in mind or body. Essentially a person needs very little to live happily and in harmony.

Life is not complex. We are complex. Life is simple, and the simple thing is the right thing. ~ Oscar Wilde

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. ~Albert Einstein

There must be a way to find a balance.

There is no greatness where there is no simplicity, goodness and truth. ~Leo Tolstoy

More good has been accomplished by simple people seeking their own honest ends than by all the philanthropists in history. ~Robert Brault

In character, in manner, in style, in all things, the supreme excellence is simplicity. ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I've been making efforts to simplify my surroundings, my adornments, and what things I hold on to in my mind and life. What do I actually need and what is unnecessary excess?

Unnecessary possessions are unnecessary burdens. If you have them, you have to take care of them! There is great freedom in simplicity of living. It is those who have enough but not too much who are the happiest. ~Peace Pilgrim

Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity. ~Charles Mingus

We don't need to increase our goods nearly as much as we need to scale down our wants. Not wanting something is as good as possessing it. ~Donald Horban

I have learned by some experience, by many examples, and by the writings of countless others before me, also occupied in the search, that certain environments, certain modes of life, certain rules of conduct are more conducive to inner and outer harmony than others. There are, in fact, certain roads that one may follow. Simplification of life is one of them. ~Ann Morrow Lindbergh (Gift from the Sea)

Manifest plainness, embrace simplicity, reduce selfishness, have few desires. ~Lao Tzu

Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you. ~Lao Tzu

This kind of harmony with surroundings, with every other thing that exists should be achievable, right? I want to live within the realm of necessity and focus on connecting with the world and the people in it as opposed to concentrating on things that fill space and time. I want to strip the excess away and find the authentic that is buried under all the programmed ideologies. I want to touch the real, or get as close as possible.

Each of us can only do what we can, no more, no less.

Crux of Fall

2010-07-16T11:23:00.001-06:00

Here I am again, a decision making crux. These are never good for me, I HATE making decisions- especially about things that concern my future as I try to live as much in the here and now as possible.

Trying to finalize fall schedule for school. I always vamp and revamp the thing before coming to a final resting place. Now I am considering (again) adding a minor- geology. The minor would only add about 5 or 6 classes or about 2 semesters to what I currently am working with. So then I would basically have 3 half majors that are all pretty useless, but interesting. *sigh*

OR- do I continue on with my English/Cinema Studies degree with no Geology minor and get on with my life sooner? Maybe start massage therapy school next January, or apply for Americorps (as I would complete this major in Dec 2011). I like to learn and I love geology but I am getting pretty sick of the academic life.

I will also only be working one job this coming semester, this is a first for me since returning to school in 2008. I am very concerned about being bored and considered taking a few additional classes to fill up time. On the other hand, it might be nice to not be so busy and have time to be with people and do things I care about. For instance, a friend, Kaycee, and I have been talking about starting a recycling program, I would like to do some volunteering in the community- maybe in retirement homes or parks & gardens, I also want to learn how to cook vegan items, not to mention all the camping, hiking, and outdoor things I love and having only one job would allow for some of these things to happen (in theory).

So in essence I am once again torn about which directions to take in my life. Shocking I know. I suppose I will do what I usually do- obsess over the options and in the end slow down to get in touch with how I feel and go with that notion. Life just moves and moves.

What do I want and how do I want to be? Maybe Modest Mouse knows-

To answer a question
It'll probably take more
If you're already there
Well then you probably don't know
Well we were the people
That we wanted to know
And we're the places that we wanted to go
It's hard to get hold of
And hard to let go
Always something we look for
From the day we were born
Instead we're the people that we wanted to know
And we're the places that we wanted to go
Yeah we're the places that we wanted to go
We're the places that we wanted to go

Writers Block

2010-06-28T14:40:00.001-06:00

I've been suffering from a pretty severe bout of writers block as of late. My journals are suffering. My guitar suffers. We all suffer together.

I have been spending a lot of time in the mountains and out in the sunshine. I feel sunshine, moonshine, and starshine on skin is good for the soul. My soul at least- thus why I have been soaking up as much of it as possible. Even this is not breaking the walled block of creativity that I have come up against. Not yet anyway.

I'm just holding on to the notion that this will pass. Everything seems to. Everything is in constant motion.

In the mean time I have been working toward simplifying my life, condensing down my belongings and worries. Trying to live moment to moment and enjoy each of them fully. Very hard, but rewarding when it happens. I just have to keep in mind that changes take practice and time, trial and error and failure. And that is ok.

I am so enjoying this summer. I am enjoying this moment.

Post London Rut

2010-06-21T12:26:00.000-06:00

Alright, so I've been back from London for a week now, trying to get settled back in to regular life and schedule and obligations and drama... oh the drama. I don't feel like I fit very well into this world.

The longer I am here the more I want to escape. I am finding little escapes into far reaches of my mind, into the mountains, and with people who seem to make time slow down and I appreciate these things so much, but my heart breaks a little each time I have to come back to reality- this is not life as I want to know it. The things that I escape into are the things I wish to remain. I don't feel that that should be such an impossibility.

I'm considering cultivating a change. A large one. But whenever I talk about it, few people take me seriously. I'm feeling like this academic world that I have been so immersed in is not the right fit for me. I care about ideas, but I don't care about writing papers or getting published, presenting at conferences or eventually teaching. I'm better at asking questions than at formulating new ideas.

What I have always wanted to do was help people and better the world in some way, as clique as that sounds. I don't care about money, houses, cars, kids, husbands, any of those things the system is attempting to convince me are important. I don't care how many degrees I have that tell people how smart I am. I'm not smart really. If I could use all my money, energy, and resources to be doing good in the world I would drop everything to do so. Unfortunately this is not a realistic ambition. We each need things to live and those things require money- which requires that we become a cog in the machine. Serve the master until you die.

Anyway, that is a bit of a tangent... I'm now thinking I might like to pursue the realm of natural healing. I have currently been researching naturopathy and massage therapy, though this is still in the pre-planning and research stages and I'm not sure how to accomplish anything. Though I am not an overly touchy or affectionate person, I believe in the effect and power that contact and touch can have. I reserve my affections usually but am trying to be more sensitive to how that small thing I can offer could be more helpful in accomplishing my goal of creating a better world, even if it only reaches as far as what is around me.

For a while now I have tried to be very aware of what I am putting into my body, some days this is harder than others but I find that I can feel a difference in my outlook and attitude as well as physical ramifications. I have been outwardly anti-medicine for some time and believe there are usually things that can be done to prevent and treat ailments without the use of harmful drugs, over the counter and prescription. (and don't get me started on the things that have to be done to the earth and animals in order for these things to be on the market).

I believe in natural, effective, sustainable, alternatives to most of the popular choices available in the world.

Taking note of these seemingly insignificant things have greatly impacted my life. It is difficult to understand unless you have experienced it in some way. I would like to help others experience the difference that can occur when you are kind to your own body. I believe that if people start with their own bodies and lives, you can't help but want to spread goodness and love to others, effectively bettering the planet.

Ani Difranco- As Is

2010-04-01T13:01:00.000-06:00

I am borderline obsessed with Ani Difranco (some might argue about the borderline thing) I was introduced to her by someone who was very important in my life and this is one of the first songs that really turned me on to her. Today, I am revisiting some of those old songs that meant something to me a long while ago and finding them still relevant and as touching as ever. Thought I would share this one.

"AS IS"

you can't hide
behind social graces
so don't try
to be all touchy feely
cuz you lie
in my face of all places
but i've got no
problem with that really

what bugs me
is that you believe what you're saying
what bothers me
is that you don't know how you feel
what scares me
is that while you're telling me stories
you actually
believe that they are real

and i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i said
when i said i'll take it
i meant,
i meant as is

just give up
and admit you're an asshole
you would be
in some good company
i think you'd find
that you friends would forgive you
or maybe i
am just speaking for me

cuz when i look around
i think this, this is good enough
and i try to laugh
at whatever life brings
cuz when i look down
i just miss all the good stuff
when i look up
i just trip over things

and i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i said
when i said i'll take it
i meant,
i meant as is

you can't hide
behind social graces
cuz i don't buy it
like everyone else
and you can lie
in my face of all places
just don't
lie to yourself

cuz i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i say
when i say i'll take it
i mean,
i mean as is...

...as is...

April Storms & Calms

2010-04-01T12:45:00.000-06:00

The morning didn’t start with cool reflection, it naturally progressed to this
as the unsettled moisture in the air crystallized, became heavy and gave in to gravity

The falling snow echoes the steep decrescendo I feel as I breathe out.
The blanketed peace of the whiteness evens the ruts in the landscape.

Small shivering birds balance on tree branches and shake flakes off their backs
Even watching from within the gray walls it feels warm, like all is well.

I know like the rotating seasons, what’s frozen inside me will give way to the spring
The faint sun reflects on the powdered surface, moist like white eyes, cool like chilled fruit
patches of life peer through the shroud giving the promise of future encounters
giving comfort through their very existence, their basic being, they are not lost.

Even what is dormant will return to life forgetting the past without a second thought

Key Passage # 15

2010-03-25T12:17:00.000-06:00

I wrote this as a blog post for one of my classes- a Wanderlust writing class- and wanted to share the quote here too

The book is Ellen Meloy's "The Last Cheater's Waltz" (pg 7-8)
It so vividly captures so many things that I connect with when in the environment and a lot of things I have been contemplating and considering as of late.

Here is just one passage I found particularly moving.

"This, then, held a key to my somnambulism. Memory purifies experience, a map distills place, but neither memory nor map is blood. The silent chemistry of this desert lay deep within me. To reinhabit my own body I had to traverse, again and again, the desert's cruel and beautiful skin."

What a beautiful sentiment and a beautiful journey to embark upon again and again. Where movement to many feels so essential it is easy to become a zombie stammering through our environment and our selves. It seems as though the key to unlocking and reconnecting with what is within it might be to physically journey outside of ourselves, into something cruel and beautiful, until we recognize those things in us, bringing us back to life.

Won't you meet me by the water?

2010-03-19T13:51:00.000-06:00

Dip down a small scarred hand into the cool dark water
now cupped, bring to your lips the crisp clean liquid and drink, drink, drink.
But don't get used to this taste, your wont find it anywhere else
It is meant only to be enjoyed here, now, and remembered fondly.

Crooked fingers grasp and something beneath the surface
closed eyes cannot see it but other senses confirm its existence.
There is a pounding from deep within the cavity of your chest
reminding you that you have been alive the throughout this.
Recall the time it took to get here, only to sit and ponder
the people left behind, the broken hearts and broken bones
the shattered glass and dusty relics- is it time to box them up?
Fold up the people that I could have been or should have been
or never was.

Does the cold water forget it was once snow running down a mountain face?
The particles along for the ride seem telling signs of past locations.
As seasons pass and spring renews, some things to not return to life,
some things are never renewed. And it's ok.

Do any of our feelings ever belong to us?

Modest Mouse- Life Like Weeds Lyrics:
In this life like weeds, in this life like weeds.
I know where you're from, but where do you belong?
In this life like weeds, you're a rock to me.
Eyes need us to see, hearts need us to bleed.
In this life like weeds, you're the dirt I'll breath.

All this talking all the time and the air fills up, up, up.
Until there's nothing left to breathe,
And you think you feel most everything.
And we know that our hearts are just made out of strings
To be pulled, strings to be pulled.

So you think you've figured out everything,
But we know that our minds are just made out of strings
To be pulled, strings to be pulled.

Nocturnal Admissions

2010-03-15T01:45:00.000-06:00

It is almost 2:00 am. I can't sleep. I'm trying to blame it on the time change but that is not really the problem.

I'm reminiscing. I stumbled across old pictures in my email tonight and got to thinking about the things that happen in our lives that bring us to where we are. I wont elaborate but that led me to thinking about all the things that have yet to lead anywhere.

Photos can be so deceiving, and also so reveling. Obviously we took the photo to remember a certain time or people, or capture a feeling or event. Then such a short time later whatever we experienced can be so utterly different to us- in good or bad ways. Looking at photos where the people once seemed so happy but are now so distant. Are they even the same people who were captured in the frame? Are we ever the same people as life takes us through the motions?

There are people who I miss, but I know that things would never be the way they were if we were to rekindle any kind of contact. Still it seems sad that they are forced to exist on only in my faulty memory. People who I have relationships with now remind me so much of those people long gone into the depths of my mind. It is strange that they can be drawn out so unexpectedly and keep me from sleeping. Can we never escape these incessant loops we live in? I wonder if the 'now' doesn't recall the old but maybe conjures up feelings that I had long forgotten. Feelings I have maybe repressed, feelings that I miss but I don't like to admit to missing.

I should not blog at 2 in the morning. Nothing seems to come out right.

Let the tide wash over me leaving salt on my face
and the harsh sun burn my freckled shoulders.
Will I always recall that as the sun goes down
the heat remains for awhile, then gets colder.

Commandeered- new and improved!

2010-03-11T08:26:00.000-07:00

My friend Mark decided to put the poem from my last post to music. Here is a link to listen:
Commandeered-http://www.archive.org/details/Commandeered

I usually hate the things that I write, so it is impossible to express how flattered and embarrassed (in a good way)I was when he initially told me that he had done it, that he had found enough value in it to do something with it.

I am always blown away when anyone can play the guitar because I have struggled to learn it. I am continually impressed with Mark's growing guitar and recording talents, and the fact that he is doing something with it. I love the echo-like effect that he included (he informed me it is not in fact an echo, but layering of tracks of him singing "oh" sounds- :) sorry to give it away Mark- anyway you made it happen I like it!) , it adds a haunting level to the lyrics and guitar.

Thank you Mark, you are amazing! Enjoy the song!

Commandeered

2010-03-08T22:11:00.000-07:00

Spring load, dark matters
all washed clean.
commandeer this tiny vessel
somewhere in between.

Hop hop, found out
clipped to close.
soldiers look so camouflaged
far out on the coast.

Beat snaps, wings fall
don't look now.
Even when it's found you
it feels far away somehow.

Feet clomp, sun shines
burn burn burn.
Hardened beaks break egg shells
you'll never have your turn.

Deep dark, slow rise
blink it out.
Poison thorns are fictional
the minute that you doubt.

Sleep slip, drift in
1-2-3
Blanket yonder quiet cacti
so you'll never leave.

The screen as audience; it's not a good one

2010-03-04T16:10:00.000-07:00

I was reading some blogs today, random blogs, blogs of strangers mostly, or people I know little about but I know of. I got sucked into the cycle of clicking on blog after blog and eventually got lost in the bloggersphere. The more I read the more sad I got. Sad for so many reasons and on so many levels. It seems that so many people blog when they are sad. I asked myself why this is and answer I came up with today is this- by sending your thoughts out into cyberspace, it's like you are not really alone and unheard. Even though only 2 people may read it, or 79 people or just your mom, you are still putting your self and your thoughts out there in hopes of connecting with someone. This theme seems to keep recurring for me, the desire to connect. I am recognizing it in writing, in art, in music. Why do we create? There is something so raw, so primal about creating.

It's sad that so many of us are putting things out there in hopes of connecting and our words get lost in the vastness of space. Like so many unheard whispered prayers. And like these prayers, maybe this whole concept of attempting to connect through electronic means is pointless. You are still essentially writing to a screen. A screen can't give you what you want. I wonder if this process of blogging, of sharing, is, for some, another way to crying out to the universe. Well the universe may care, it may hear you, or it may not. But the computer surely doesn't, and likely neither does the cyberspace you are so desperately hoping will bring some fulfillment or validation.

Then again, creating itself is fulfilling. Writing is fulfilling. Being is sometimes fulfilling. And sometimes it is so hollow.

Man, my pessimistic thoughts are everywhere. Apologies all around. I considered just erasing this, but I told myself I was not going to create a post only to erase it anymore just because it might sound stupid. I'm trying to get over that fear- of sounding stupid. I'm trying to accept my stupidity and accept that I may never be at the level of intelligence that I long to be, that comes so fluidly to others. They take it for granted. I'm trapped in my pessimism as of late. So trapped in my head. This week has been one of constant second guessing and self loathing. No, not loathing, I don't know what word I am reaching for here. I feel like this shadow has been looming over me all week, following me treacherously. I am bracing myself for the worst. Sometimes I can just feel it coming. I hope it's not coming, whatever "it" is. Change- I welcome change, I'm making changes all the time, it comes along inevitably with my chronic indecisiveness.

So why do I feel so heavy? I'm avoiding a particularly tempting regime of self medication and laziness and instead have turned to yoga and borderline obsessive food intake restriction, and writing... a lot of writing. I have yet to decide if it is working. Elliott Smith is working/connecting. And Radiohead. And Neutral Milk. And certain Rilo Kiley songs. And maybe writing- even to cyberspace.

Something Ventured

2010-03-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

...and when I could sleep no longer I ventured out.
Out into the breeze that chillingly swept against my skin,
Inhaling the night, even my breath was trapped.

Footsteps and heart beats moved in rapid succession
to no where, to no one.
Each voluntary or involuntary movement a poignant reminder- I am alive.

I am a pisces

2010-02-18T15:45:00.000-07:00

I have always been interested in all things astronomical, suns, moons, stars, constellations, comets, meteors, you name it. I have recently been doing some research into star signs and astrology, another thing I have always been fascinated by and I am finding that, more and more, my star sign describes me well. I have noticed this especially as I have been getting inching closer to things I want to be. I wanted to share a couple of key points:

Pisces is considered a feminine (introverted, passive, sensitive) water sign.

Aptly called "old souls", Pisces thirst for spiritual knowledge and personal growth. They are the twelfth, and last, of the Zodiac signs, and as such, tend to have a more finely tuned intuition, sixth sense or extrasensory ability to perceive others feelings. The duality of the Pisces personality is best described as a constant ebb and flow (Traditionally represented by 2 fish swimming in opposite directions- the two fish symbolize the internal struggle of the soul within a Pisces. Often, the fish are swimming away from each other in a circle representing life after death or reincarnation), back and forth, straddling the physical, material world and the ethereal, divine realm where Pisces vivid imagination, powerful intuition and creative daydreaming feel like home.

Traditional
Pisces Traits:
Imaginative and sensitive
Compassionate and kind
Selfless and unworldly
Intuitive and sympathetic
Escapist and idealistic
Secretive and vague

Pisceans tend to withdraw into a dream world where their qualities can bring mental satisfaction and sometimes, fame and financial reward for they are extremely gifted artistically. They are also versatile and intuitive, have quick understanding, observe and listen well, and are receptive to new ideas and atmospheres. All these factors can combine to produce remarkable creativity in literature, music and art. They may count among their gifts mediumistic qualities which can give them a feeling that their best work comes from outside themselves. Even when they cannot express themselves creatively they have a greater than average instinct for, and love of, beauty in art and nature, a catlike appreciation of luxury and pleasure, and a yearning for new sensations and travel to remote, exotic places. They are never egotistical in their personal relationships and give more than they ask from their friends. They are sexually delicate, in the extreme almost asexual, and most Pisceans would want a relationship in which the partner's mind and spirit rather than the body resonated with their own.

They also dislike disciple and confinement. The nine-to-five life is not for them. Any rebellion they make against convention is personal, however, as they often times do not have the energy or motivation to battle against the Establishment.

Pisceans possess a gentle, patient, malleable nature. They have many generous qualities and are friendly, good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around them, and respond with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering they encounter. They are deservedly popular with all kinds of people, partly because their easygoing, affectionate, submissive natures offer no threat or challenge to stronger and more exuberant characters. They accept the people around them and the circumstances in which they find themselves rather than trying to adapt them to suit themselves, and they patiently wait for problems to sort themselves out rather than take the initiative in solving them. They are more readily concerned with the problems of others than with their own.

I have been researching some other signs, of friends and family members and they all seem to be pretty accurate. There may be something to this age old science.

Camping please?!

2010-02-11T18:15:00.000-07:00

I am getting so restless. I have am overwhelming desire to go camping and hiking, just to get out into nature and reconnect with myself. I really just want to be anywhere at this point. This plan is thwarted by several factors-
1. I have no time.
3. I have no money.
2. It's cold.

Summer cannot come soon enough!

Sober Down Saturdays @ the Huka Bar!!

2010-01-31T22:06:00.000-07:00

So my good friend Kaycee's husband Tim plays in an excellent Reggae band called Sober Down. I try to go to as many shows as my schedule allows because they put on such a great, high energy, feel good show. They play about every 2 weeks at this really great bar called the Huka Bar in Salt Lake City.
Last night I make the trek up for the show and I was so glad I did!

It was such a great escape from how I have been feeling lately. It was nice to just be out doing something with so many of my favorite people. Even though most people who go to the shows are strangers or mere acquaintances, it's like none of that matters when you are all brought together by the music on the dance floor. It's awesome that music can do that and that Sober Down draws the kind of crowd that usually is just good to each other.

I hate the term "girls night" so we wont coin it that, but it was really nice to just hang out with some great girls,just having fun, enjoying each others company. I don't get a lot of interaction with people usually outside of school and work since those things really monopolize my life right now and I so appreciated the time.

So here are a few pictures of the fun. And you can't tell me it does not look like we are all having fun :)

I think it is important to just let loose sometimes. A lot of us get caught up in all the things we 'HAVE TO' do and forget to do things that we want to do. I know I am guilty of this because of my hyper organized personality. If I can't do anything all the way- I just wont do it. I tend to give my all to whatever I am focused on at that time or whoever need my attention and it gets quiet exhausting.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks. Thanks girls, for the great night. Thanks friends for being there when I have needed you. And Thanks Sober Down for providing the environment and supplying the music that makes the good times better!

Is this what we are meant for?

2010-01-28T11:14:00.001-07:00

Most days it feels like the world goes whizzing by while I sit behind a desk. Reflecting on my life I don't feel like I have missed any opportunities, but it does feel as though I have not created any, or put myself into situation where things could happen.
School has changed that somewhat. I have done so many things that I never knew I was even capable of because of the academic environment and the available opportunities there. I have been lucky to have a few great mentors there who really believe that I will do great things and who work with me to accomplish things now as well. Why is it then that I still feel like I am rotting away, day in, day out, in front of this computer, doing the same menial tasks in a job I don't even enjoy and essentially only 'working for the weekend' as clique as that sounds.
I like to tell myself, and others say the same, that at least I am going to school and I wont have to do this forever. But truth be known, even after graduation I will not have a marketable degree. I have learned so much viable information and broadened my thinking in profound ways and I will never regret getting an education, but I can't help but wonder- will I still just have to get some job where I do the same things and never really accomplish anything? Is this every ones fate regardless? How many people are working their lives away at jobs they hate counting down the days until the next intermittent vacation or long weekend? How did we allow our society to condition us into these worker drones supporting the superstructure- working for the man? What percentage of people actually get to live their dreams?

What would life be like if everyone accomplished the dreams they dreamt? If you believe that humans are inherently good, then wouldn't good run wild in the streets? Could there be any merit in the words of Dr. Frank'n'Furter "Don't dream it, be it" or is the idea of chasing dreams merely a "pipe dream"? That is not to say that people don't find happiness within the confines of the system but it makes me sad to think that in order to find happiness you have to relinquish your dreams. It's like settling for what you have instead of fighting for what you want.

So in essence, the point of this whole rant post is that I feel like I am moving in slow motion towards a goal that may or may not ever be achieved. Partly because my goals and dreams and pretty general. I know more about what I don't want in life than what I do want. How can I be working towards something if I don't know what it is? Wow.... depressing.

The Cove- don't let the issues be forgotten

2010-01-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

In honor of the special screening of the award winning (and seriously fantastic) documentary "The Cove" that is taking place tonight, I am posting a link to this plea, which I strongly second! http://www.cinematical.com/2010/01/22/dont-let-documentaries-like-the-cove-die-away/
Don't Let Documentaries Like 'The Cove' Die Away!
by Elisabeth Rappe Jan 22nd 2010

As the hype dies down and things return to normal, the films that captured our attention through the year tend to fade into the background at the end of awards season (or mere days after viewing for many people). While this truth may just be the turning of the clock for some, time can be treacherous for the people and issues that documentary films so shockingly portray for the general public. While in the moment viewers are stirred, and perhaps even stirred into action (as some of us have been by recent films like The Cove)long after the activism and avid public support is gone, the issue still exists. Such is the case for the issue of the dolphin slaughter in Japan. Although the film was successful in creating enough awareness to delay the dolphin slaughter, it has since been resumed.

Though we may be a far ways away from Taiji, Japan there are still things that can be done. Spread awareness of this issue by seeing the film and suggesting it to others. At least portions of the proceeds made from the film will undoubtedly go towards the cause! Do research on the web- there are many petition sites and web pages dedicated to stopping this heinous act and you can be a part of it! Here is a great site to get you started- http://www.savejapandolphins.org

If this cause does not get your activist heart going, there are countless other organizations and issues that need your attention.If that even seems a little too overwhelming, simply living a conscious lifestyle is a step in the right direction. There are many simple lifestyle changes you can make that help save the environment and reduce your carbon footprint- here are a few changes ANYONE can make-

1. Use a washable water bottle instead of purchasing water in plastic bottles. Also, for you soda drinkers, save your fountain cups and refill them instead of getting new ones every time you have the urge for soda- both of these things save you money too!
2. If your car is idol-ling for more than 1 minute, turn it off.
3. Cut back on your meat consumption- Do you really need to eat meat for every meal, every day? Even cutting back by a few meals a week or a few days make a huge difference.
4. Buy local produce and other products. Visit farmers markets when possible and road side stands. If you look you can find local dairy and eggs too!
5. Support products, restaurants and companies that are not major chains (especially Walmart!!! That place steals a part of your soul every time you enter!)- Check out Etsy.com for great handmade creations and gifts that are unique, affordable and creative. They have pretty much everything you never knew you needed!
6. Support companies that don't test products on animals buy purchasing their products. They are often less expensive and lets face it- do you need your shampoo or drain cleaner to have been tested on an animal?

I will post more helpful hints as they come to me but for now- I'm off to "The Cove"!!!

Film Resolutions

2010-01-05T13:40:00.001-07:00

I'm not big on New Years resolutions, I don't like to put time constraints on my goals and if there is something I feel I need to work on I do it as needed throughout the year. That being said, I came across a post on one of my favorite movie sites cinematical.com asking what film-related new years resolutions readers had. I have never had a film-related goal, so I have been giving it some thought. Seeing as this is my major area of study, I have decided to outline a goal or 2 in this area.

A lot of the readers of the site posted things like "see more movies in the theater" or "see more foreign or independent films". Anyone who knows me will tell you neither of these things are problems for me so my goals will be a little more in depth in relation to film than basic "see more films" goals.

1. Find something interesting in all films(even the bad ones)
I have a tendency to be a pretty harsh critic. I judge movies before I see them and (especially in the case of chick flicks or action movies) already have my mind made up about them before viewing. My hope is that by looking at the positive or at least interesting aspects of films, ALL films, I will appreciate film as a whole more fully. I'm not relinquishing my undying loathe for those sappy stereotypical chick flicks or the predictable macho-ism of the action genre, but even those films for the most part must have something I can pull out. It seems that even the movies that myself and others have deemed as 'bad' often serve as a reflection of some deeper ideological message or social reflection of culture, gender, race, etc. Which brings us to our next goal....
2. Think more ideologically and theoretically about films
I want to put the tools I am discovering through my education to use. By viewing and applying film texts to a theoretical and ideological background, I will not only be cementing these tools into my repertoire but also creating connections between the world and media and understand how these things have evolved and are yet evolving.
3. Understand genre and style
I will familiarize myself more with commonly used styles and genres and the elements that they consist of. Here I am not talking genres like 'action' or 'comedy' I want to more readily identify things like melodrama, neo-noir, neo-classical, neo-realism (lots of neo's), road story, coming of age epic, art film, Blaxploitaion (and other 'sploitation), western (there is more to that genre than what typically comes to mind like old movies with cowboys and the west)and cult films to name a few. I want to be able to identify these and have on tap references of common directors and films. I will be taking my cinephilia further this year by exploring genres and especially focusing on directors and films that laid the foreground for what has become today's understanding. This will help me to also recognize cross generic exploits as well.

I am currently fixated on Italian Neo-Realism so I plan to start there with some Fellini, Rossollini, and Antonioni classics and then move onto the French New Wave with some Renoir, Godard, and Truffaut and then explore more modern films and filmmakers who have been influenced by these genres, like the burgeoning underground American New Wave. (I will surely include my long loved surrealist and expressionist films as well, my heart gets full just thinking about them)
But first, I just purchased over 14 hours worth of Charlie Chaplin silent films (both long and short) that I plan to indulge in to kick off this filmic goal...

It's going to to be good year :)
I may have to cave and get a netflixs account...

Reasons to cut back your meat consumption

2009-12-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

My dear awesome vegan friend posted this article that she found on www.alternet.org on her blog and I am reposting it because it really needs to be read! The effects that factory farming and the food industry in general on the environment are really so large and people would rather just be ignorant to their contributions than hear about it, but at least my blog will not allow this any longer :)

13 things EVERYONE should know:

#1- Excrement produced by chickens, pigs, and other farm animals: 16.6 billion tons per year -- more than a million pounds per second (that's 60 times as much as is produced by the world's human population -- farmed animals produce more waste in one day than the U.S. human population produces in 3 years). This excrement is a major cause of air and water pollution. According to the United Nations: "The livestock sector is... the largest sectoral source of water pollution, contributing to eutrophication, 'dead' zones in coastal areas, degradation of coral reefs, human health problems, emergence of antibiotic resistance and many others."

#2- Water used for farmed animals and irrigating feed crops: 240 trillion gallons per year -- 7.5 million gallons per second (that's enough for every human to take 8 showers a day, or as much as is used by Europe, Africa, and South America combined). According to the UN: "[t]he water used by the sector exceeds 8 percent of the global human water use." As just one example, "[O]n average 990 litres of water are required to produce one litre of milk." So drinking milk instead of tap water requires almost 1,000 times as much water.

#3- Emissions of greenhouse gases from raising animals for food: The equivalent of 7.8 billion tons of carbon dioxide per year, according to the UN report. Concludes the UN: "The livestock sector is... responsible for 18% of greenhouse gas emissions." That's about 40 percent more than all the cars, trucks, planes, trains, and ships in the world combined (transport is 13%).

#4- It takes more than 11 times as much fossil fuel to make one calorie of animal protein as it does to make one calorie of plant protein.

#5- Soil erosion due to growing livestock feed: 40 billion tons per year (or 6 tons/year for every human being on the planet-of course if you don't eat meat, none of this is attributed to you; if you're in the U.S. where we eat lots more meat than most of the world, your contribution is many times greater than 6 tons/year). About 60% of soil that is washed away ends up in rivers, streams and lakes, making waterways more prone to flooding and to contamination from soil's fertilizers and pesticides. Erosion increases the amount of dust carried by wind, polluting the air and carrying infection and disease.

#6- Land used to raise animals for food: 10 billion acres. According to the UN: "In all, livestock production accounts for 70 percent of all agricultural land and 30 percent of the land surface of the planet." And "70 percent of previous forested land in the Amazon is occupied by pastures, and feedcrops cover a large part of the remainder." And "About 20 percent of the world's pastures and rangelands, with 73 percent of rangelands in dry areas, have been degraded to some extent, mostly through overgrazing, compaction and erosion created by livestock action."

#7- According to the UN, animal agriculture is a leading case of water pollution. The main water pollutants in the US are sediments and nutrients. Animal agriculture is responsible for 55 percent of the erosion that causes sedimentation, and for a third of the main nutrient pollutants, nitrogen and phosphorous. On top of that, animal agriculture is the source of more than a third of the United States' water pollution from pesticides, and half of its water pollution from antibiotics.

#8- Livestock are also responsible for almost two-thirds of anthropogenic ammonia emissions, which contribute significantly to acid rain and acidification of ecosystems.

#9- Grain and corn raised for livestock feed that could otherwise feed people, according to the UN: 836 million tons per year (note that the more commonly used figure, 758 million tons, is metric). That's more than 7 times the amount used for biofuels and is much more than enough to adequately feed the 1.4 billion humans who are living in dire poverty, and the number doesn't even include the fact that almost all of the global soy crop (about 240 million tons of soy) is also fed to chickens, pigs, and other farmed animals.

#10- An American saves more global warming pollution by going vegan than by switching their car to a hybrid Prius.

#11- Razing the Amazon rainforest for pasture and feed crops: 5 million acres of Amazon per year. Former Amazon rainforest converted to raising animals for food since 1970 is more than 90% of all Amazon deforestation since 1970.

#12- According to the UN: "Indeed, the livestock sector may well be the leading player in the reduction of biodiversity..." And "[l]ivestock now account for about 20 percent of the total terrestrial animal biomass, and the 30 percent of the earth's land surface that they now pre-empt was once habitat for wildlife." And "Conservation International has identified 35 global hotspots for biodiversity, characterized by exceptional levels of plant endemism and serious levels of habitat loss. Of these, 23 are reported to be affected by livestock production. An analysis of the authoritative World Conservation Union (IUCN) Red List of Threatened Species shows that most of the world's threatened species are suffering habitat loss where livestock are a factor."

#13- United Nations scientists, in their 408-page indictment of the meat industry, sum up these statistics, pointing out that the meat industry is "one of the ... most significant contributors to the most serious environmental problems, at every scale from local to global," including "problems of land degradation, climate change and air pollution, water shortage and water pollution, and loss of biodiversity."

Number 9 makes me especially upset!! World hunger is such an epidemic and there are no signs of stopping, but imagine if we fat, lazy, meat (over)eating Americans could cut back on our meat consumption and production and make a dent in this problem.... But people would rather continue in their glutenous, avoidance than care about anything that is happening in the world especially if it means altering their lifestyles.

Google Wave?

2009-11-28T11:55:00.000-07:00

I am on google wave. Don't ask me what that means or what it is or how it works, but add me anyways- Broomhat@gmail.com

2009-11-17T21:39:00.001-07:00

There is a little controversy going on among some of my friends and peers concerning a film showing at UVU, so I thought I would put my 2 cents in about it here....

The Cinema Studies Club- of which I am the VP- strives to bring movies to campus that people would not usually see. We have an International Film Series (which as the title suggests shows international films) and a Cult Film Series (which shows some of the more underground and sometimes controversial films that have gained a cult following)We are attempting to broaden the filmic horizons of the people on campus, some of these attempts are well received while other times its just us club members sitting in a big auditorium watching a film, which is totally ok with us too. We show all of our films in their original language and with all their original content in keeping with the films natural release.

We recently showed the Oscar winning film Slumdog Millionaire. This film had a great turn out and as far as I know, no one was offended by the "objectionable" content of the film- the little that there may be. Now, the student government at UVU has decided to show the film edited- or what they like to call the "airplane version" of the film. The facebook comment board has been rife with comments both pro and anti editing (more vocal are the anti's). I am an anti. I am of the vein that believes that film is an art form and that editing it is desecrating the work of the artist. I am also a believer that if you don't want to see a film for fear that it may contain objectionable content- you have the option not to see the film, and the opposite is true as well, I have the option not to attend the screening of the desecrated work. Do your research before you see a movie especially if you are afraid of being offended by something you may see on a screen.

Here is where I start to get defensive- This is a quote from one of the student government officials

Kim R. (Utah Valley University) wrote
at 2:11pm yesterday
This is the "airplane" version, or the tv version, UVU isnt breaking any laws and obviously in this valley and at this school with the popular religious beliefs, there is a larger demographic that will participate in this event with the edited version provided. There was a chance to see the unedited original version a couple weeks ago, now the rest of the Mormons can watch it as well! You'd think all you artists would appreciate students seeing any (and most of) the movie then not watching it at all. Thanks for playing see you there!

What is offensive to me is that the student government is supposing that us "artists" should just be happy that people are seeing the film at all. On the contrary- is it better for only part of a message to be shown? Would "the rest of the mormons" say it is better for pieces of their prophet's talk to be heard than none at all if the person editing the talk were to completely change the meaning that said prophet had intended? Also, to assume that all the people who would see the the film as the FILMMAKER meant for you to see it are non-mormons is preposterous. (and alternately that everyone coming to the edited screening are mormons) Even if a large population of the UVU student body are of the mormon faith, that does not mean that the student body is "more right" by showing this film edited. Especially in the case of Slumdog Millionaire, the "objectionable content" is a cultural representation of life in the slums of India. This is not a film that is merely showing violence or sexuality or profanity for the sake of titillation.

So to counter the assumption that we seemingly radical sinning artist types aka FILM LOVERS would rather people see some of the movie than none at all- NO, I would rather those who, for whatever reason, choose not to see R rated films miss this one than to see a cut up half version of the film. By restricting your viewing to the guidelines set up by the "morality police" that make up the MPAA, you will be seriously missing some spectacular film art.

My mom always said- "someone had to see the movie to edit it"

.

Reflections on Neo-Realism

2009-10-20T14:50:00.000-06:00

To start, a little background. I rarely speak in class. I have this cripling fear of public speaking- I get really shaky, my thoughts become distorted, my vison blurs as my eyes dart back and forth searching for something comforting to focus on... It is just not a pleasant experience for me. I also don't ever want to be "that guy" in class- you know the one who has something to say about everything and rarely ever something particularly interesting or insightful... So I would rather just not speak. I was so intrigued by the topic presented in my Film Theory class today though that I felt I really needed an outlet in which to express a view- so we blog.

In my film theory class we were discussing Neo-realism and Counter Cinema. In particular, our discussion centered on a film called Killer of Sheep. There is one sequence in this film that the students in the class seemed to be particularly hung up on in which some African American children are throwing rocks and dirt claudes at each other and one of the children gets minorly injured.
All the other students were so fixated on relating to this one scene. Many shared their own experiences of similar childhood occurances and how they survived. The majority of the class was striving so hard to find a way to relate to this film (which centers on working class African Americans in East LA) that I felt like they were missing the beauty and purpose of Counter Cinema and especially Neo-realism its self.

The very reliable and always accurate Wikipedia had this to say about Neo-realist (specifically Italian Neo-realist) Style:

Neorealist style does not have an inherent political message. The most common attribute of neorealism is location shooting and the dubbing of dialogue. The dubbing allowed for filmmakers to move in a more open mise-en-scène. Principal characters would be portrayed mostly by trained actors while supporting members (sometimes principals) would be non-actors. The idea was to create a greater sense of realism through the use of real people rather than all seasoned actors. The rigidity of non-actors gave the scenes more authentic power. This sense of realism made Italian neorealism more than an artistic stance, it came to embody an attitude toward life.

Stylistically, neorealism was:

1. an avoidance of neatly plotted stories in favor of loose, episodic structures
2. a documentary visual style
3. the use of actual locations--usually exteriors--rather than studio sites (which often displayed the post-war destruction of Italy)
4. the use of nonprofessional actors, even for principal roles
5. use of conversational speech, not literary dialogue
6. avoidance of artifice in editing, camerawork, and lighting in favor of a simple "style-less" style

Here is a definition of Counter Cinema that may prove useful to clearly explaining my qualms with the readings of the film that were presented in class- (Found herehttp://faculty.washington.edu/mlg/courses/definitions/counter-cinema.htm)
Counter-cinema refers to the rough grouping of films, film makers, and institutions which attempt to set themselves against the formalist and ideological domination of Hollywood cinema. The name “counter-cinema” suggests a discursive practice that actively opposes mainstream cinema and thus offers an alternative to the discourses that mainstream cinema helps construct. One could include avant-garde, art, and Third World cinema in this group, all of which attempt to create some level of distantiation in the viewer by questioning, subverting and/or openly challenging the basic codes and conventions of classical Hollywood cinema. These would include cohesive and linear narrative structure, continuity editing, mise-en-scene that perpetuates “cinematic realism,” cultural stereotypes, etc. Counter-cinema is often self-reflexive, bringing attention to itself as a film and to the institution of cinema.

This being said, here is where I rant about the observations of my fellow students.
To me, Neo-realism is more concerned with presenting the filmic inforamtion to the viewer and allowing them to soak in the world being represented. It is then, less concerned with giving the viewer a character to relate to as it is with celebrating film its self as an expressive medium. The neo-realist film is an active viewing experience. By working so hard to bring some thin relation of the film to their own world, my classmates have missed the beauty of the simplistic Neo-realist goal. Like documentries, Neo-realist film presents inforamtion in a specifically stylized way so as to invite the spectator into the world and culture represented in the film, not to invite the audience to relate the film to their own understanding of the world. Unlike classical Hollywood cinema, counter cinema does not necissarily present the spectator with a white male protagonist with which they can relate- leaving the spectator grasping at straws, in dire need of making connections to themselves. Counter cinema is often deliberatly confusing to someone who is ony used to a more classical film experience and perhaps by focusing on the small instances that the viewer can relate to, they have in their mind disarmed the confusion, instead of letting it disarm them.

Maybe I am the only one who revels in the confusion and the underlying currents.
I personally find it more difficult to be moved by a film if I am not attempting to reduce it to relate to my own experiences. I enjoy film for broadening my understatnding of the world, culture and of course the blessed medium. My theory may be grasping at something here though, so feedback is welcome!

Personal Reflections

2009-10-07T18:45:00.000-06:00

I just composed a blog containing an intensely personal reflection of the kind of things that have been going on in my head and in my heart lately. So personal and revealing that at one point I was holding back tears. This is the point when I realized that the blog reading world is not the perfect venue for such revealing admonitions.
The reason that I even mention it is this- I HAVE MISSED WRITING! I have been going through some profound realizations over the past months and I have not been able to write about it. I have literally been avoiding my journal for months, hiding it away so I would not have to think about putting these things down on paper.

The time has come to make a record of these realizations. It is time to stop letting my fears limit me. I need to continue to trust my inklings and intuitions. I must become more bold & dynamic in both my actions and my desires. Carpe Diem. Carpe Noctem.

Zombieland of my dreams

2009-10-04T00:36:00.000-06:00

The revival of the comedy horror has a new face in Zombieland.

Movie post.... I know, how clique of me, but I am after all slightly obsessed with and majoring in film so you can't expect so much of me! Gosh! Ok rant over, back to business.
After a long hard day of homework, all I really desired was a reward in the form of a fantastic movie. I wanted to go to the midnight showing of 'The Shining' at the Tower in SLC but that is not really the kind of movie I want to watch alone, so when no one would go with me I rode my bike down to my local multiplex and attended a late night showing of.... ZOMBIELAND!

If you are not a fan of the genre (first of all shame on you!) then you can stop reading now because this post will neither concern you nor interest you.

In the spirit of Shawn of the Dead, Zombieland is another zombie flick that thankfully does not take its self too seriously. I feel that the zombie film is in a genre all it's own, apart from the horror film, and this one hit all the marks.
Disguisting, bloody, drooling, stupid zomies- check
Equally disturbing ways of killing said zombies- check
Post apocolyptic state of the world with very few survivors and lots of abandonded vehicles- check
Bad ass survivors with seemingly endless good luck- check
Unreasonably hot zombie killing girl with flawless makeup- check
Big Guns- check check check

This film also had some things that we never knew could improve a zombie film.
Nerdy W.O.W playing white boy
12 year old girl (the fabulous Abigail Breslin)
Twinkie crazed red neck loner
Bill Murray (yes, that one)

Call it a guilty pleasure but something about the undead being brutally and hilariously killed just brings a smile to my face. The film even managed to work in some real relatable and tender moments between the artful zombie slaughter carried out by the inspired cast of survivors. Woody Harrelson brings on the manic charm and was a perfect fit to shamelessly smash in faces with baseball bats and banjos while in search of his reminder of simpler times- the yellow, creme filled goodness of the twinkie.
With more laughs than 'jump out at you' scary moments this one can appeal to even the most timid of 'horror' film viewers. Keep in mind those of you not in the know, zombie killing is not a sport for the squimish and this film did not fail to bring on the gore and uninhibited zombie violence, with witty dialog. (thus the justified 'R' rating) If this laugh riot is what the zombie apocalypse will be like, sign me up!

Gray skies smiling at me

2009-09-18T09:49:00.000-06:00

Over the last couple weeks we have been having some INCREDIBLE sunset skies. This is how I know winter is just around the corner, and the sunsets are the only redeeming factor of Utah's seemingly endless nuclear winters.

Last night, as I was making the commute home from work, the sky was particularly vibrant. To my right, the sun was sinking down into the lake, illuminating the floating nimbus clouds in light peach and gray hues against the light blue sky. To my left, the reflection of the rays created a tonal effect on the mountains, making them appear to have a crisp Neapolitan color scheme, cascading gently from purple to red to yellow.
I was able to snap a few pics with my terrible camera phone, I have not been blessed with a "fancy" camera so these pictures do not do the scene justice, but I still felt like posting something to commemorate the display.

My good friend Annie can attest that as we drove up the canyon, I could not stop talking about how beautiful and moving it was. I keep reflecting that I could not imagine being in a more visually stunning place, within the safe embrace of these majestic hills. As the cloud grew more treacherous and dark, the painted mountain responded more with boldness as if to say "bring on your engulfing depression, we will beam through".

The above pic was taken (again via camera phone, my apologies) as I was leaving my job at UVU last Wednesday. I felt this picture pretty much contained what I see nightly as my studies come to a close. It is as if I am being given a reward for my hard work. It is a very warming feeling to see the atmosphere reflecting my feelings and painting them across the sky. Although the cold and dreary season is fast approaching, these sites remind me that even in the darkest of days there is still reason to look up.

Get my Edu-ma-ca-tion on.

2009-08-24T10:21:00.000-06:00

School begins Thursday for me. FINALLY! It's not that I don't immensely enjoy summer, but there is something about an academic environment that enables me to thrive.

On the school agenda(in addition to working 30 hours a week at my job) for this semester will be the following classes:
1. Law and Social Change
2. Philosophy of Religion
3. Race, Class, and Gender in US Film
4. Film Theory
and in addition-
5. 3 credit Internship with my Film Prof. planning a big Interdisciplinary Conference scheduled for Dec.
6. Work Study Job in the Integrated Studies Dept. working with Cinema and other departments as needed.

Needless to say, I will be very busy. Luckily that is the way I prefer it to be though, then I am not bored.
On my training day for my work study job, Mark, the person responsible for the work study students and counselor in the Integrated Studies Dept. (with whom I am acquainted) introduced everyone and stated their major, when he got to me he said "this is Rikki, this week her major is Cinema Studies and Environmental Studies." I though it fitting and quiet funny. It has been a long process for me to find a suitable major, Lets hope this one sticks.

Through an unanticipated series of events involving my financial aid situation, I was forced over the weekend to write my thesis project proposal. This was a problem because it was not suppose to be turned in until October, so I assumed I would have until that time to really hone in on what I wanted the topic of 2 years of research to be. This proposal is not concrete but they wanted you to show that you had an idea of what you wanted your thesis to entail. I had a very vague idea, so I did my best to articulate what little information I had on the subject into an admission paper. I landed on researching environmental films and the impact they have had and how they can be brought to a broader audience. I also tacked on researching ways that the film industry itself can become more "green". This may prove a hard topic to research but time will tell. I really want to organize a small community film festival as well, but I thought that maybe a little ambitious to include in the proposal in addition to the 20-50+ page thesis paper. I had mentioned it to one of my film professors last year and she seemed confident that we could make it happen and perhaps even acquire some engaged learning grant money to help fund it. I think planning the Interdisciplinary Conference will give me some incite into how much work would actually go into planning a festival so maybe after this semester I can feel it out.

We are really behind at work right now. We just launched a new product and it has been very stressful for my boss. So maybe I should stop blogging now and get to work! Until next time.

Rikki the Red Menace

2009-07-13T13:39:00.000-06:00

So after long contemplation I decided to dye my hair. I have not really needed a change or anything like that, I just wanted to so I went for it.
The story:
One of my favorite films is called "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" by French director Michael Gondry and The illustious Charlie Kaufman (who I have become an avid fan of) . The is so multifaceted with meaning and beauty, every time I watch it the message is different. The lead female character, Clementine (the luscious Kate Winslet) dyes her hair unique colors with equally interesting names, i.e. Blue ruin, Agent Orange, and Red Menace, the muse color for my recent hue change. I wont get into my analysis of the meaning equated with her hair color changes in the film, as most people could care less, but suffice it to say I am pleased with the result.
My favorite part about the change has been in reading the reactions of others to this seemingly unimportant change. You can see different opinions generationally as well as genderly and racially. The first day, I noticed many people staring as if part of my face was missing. People who would not normally talk to me began seeking me out to begin a conversation and many people felt it nessisary to comment and ask questions. Still others kept an increased distance from me.
Young people (high school age and perhaps slightly older) seem to really love and connect to it. It seems to strike them as a form of rebellion they have not been able to acheive yet while under parental constaints. Funny that they don't realize that dying your hair is the most mild form of rebellion, I suppose many parents dont see this fact either.
I live with my Grandma; her simple reaction- uncontrolled giggling. Take that as you will.
The generation in between my age and say, grandmas age appear to view it as a statement. I assure you I am making no statement. It seems to say to them that I am of a certain trouble making sect of the future generation, and the fact that I (my "type" and subsequently genereation) will be running the world is scary.
Of course these are incredibly broad generalizations but they are my surface insinuations.
It is strange to look down or catch my reflection in a window and see bright red hair (and I assure you it is bright) but I have quite enjoyed what has become a sort of experiement in social critisism.
Perhaps more notes are to come.

The collective humor notion

2009-07-07T12:06:00.000-06:00

I love movies. This is an understatement if anyone knows me. I have seen far too many bad, really bad, and poorly made movies in the past couple weeks. I made a vow to myself not to see anymore of these abominations, but so far, my love of watching movies in general has overridden the vow. I have come across a trend in the comedy genre (if you can even call it that anymore). Crude humor is taking over. No longer do characters need to be developed, plot lines fine tuned, or even made into comprehensible events, as long as you have as much crude humor, nudity, fart/poop jokes, and barfing, non of the other film fundamentals are important. People will flock to see the 2 hours waste of time that has been created and watch mindlessly as their braincells shrivel down to nothing. Throw in some slapstick comedy and you are golden. These elements are making appearances across genres as well. Even in the seemingly robotic romantic comedy line, they are throwing in these juvenile cracks just for "good measure" before boy meets girl, girl hates boy, boy wins girl over in such a way as to prove that girl is in fact a complete and utter idiot for liking boy.

I have never been a huge comedy lover, I don't think it takes much to create a comedy in the first place, many of them fall into the same plot ruts as the rom/coms, but it seems they have gotten especially delinquent as of late. All I ask is that if you are trying to make me laugh, do it in such a way as to not insult my intellect and subsiquently yours as the filmaker as well.

AAAHHHH!!!

2009-06-22T17:03:00.000-06:00

Things I CANNOT Wait for:
-School to start again
-The sun to be shining like it is supposed to be in the summer
-To checkout a bundle of films from the library
-Reading in the park
-Bella Terra Studio to be up and running (and selling *crossing fingers*)

I feel great. I love the direction my life is taking. I love being busy and involved in academic pursuits. I am so appreciative of my every loving family and friends. I have a few creative outlets I have been exploring lately and they are really doing wonders.

It is truly an amazing feeling having nothing but having everything. I finally feel like I can be happy anywhere life could take me. When you stop letting the outside get on the inside, you feel so much more light and free. FREEDOM! Just freedom from the things or people you let effect your life in negative ways. PEACE, LOVE, SUNSHINE! However clique these things may be, they are achievable, yet extraordinary pursuits. Inner peace, peace of mind, peace in the sea that rages inside. Deep breath in, Deep breath out.

Let the sunshine in!

2009-05-26T16:12:00.000-06:00

I have absolutely NOTHING to do at work today. So we blog...

I found out this morning that our tour guide from my Europe trip died. Accidental overdose. We were not incredibly close by any means but we had stayed in contact since the trip. I had been contemplating the fragility of life over the weekend and this was like a big cherry atop my dessert of thought. Though death is strikingly sad, it was impressed upon me when hearing of this particular death that she was meant to die young. It may sound strange I realize, but its as though she were the type of person who comes, does their thing and leaves. (if you believe in coming and going of souls-which I am sometimes in a wash about) It was shocking to hear that she had died but to me it did not feel completely unexpected. I felt the same way when my uncle died last year. Almost as though it was a long time coming. I don't think anyone could understand by reading this what I mean, and I'm sure it sounds awful, but I really can't articulate it well through blog.

I went with the family to Mt. Rushmore over memorial weekend. It was so fun, not one fight or bad mood encountered... I guess growing up really ups the tolerance level of others. It was so nice to see another part of the country, it really strikes me at how different life can be just a few states or miles or towns away. Strange. We drove all through the Black Hills and hiked around Devils Monument. I appreciate my dad so much for wanting to show his kids things that he thinks are cool. Whenever he sees or reads or finds something he thinks is interesting he stops at nothing to share it with people. Be it plays or music or books, websites or articles or movies, fun outdoor sites or amusement parks or monuments or rides.... he has such an enthusiasm for things, and loves to watch people as they experience what he found of value. I know these are the memories with my family that will stay with me.

Film-javu

2009-05-20T15:26:00.001-06:00

So I'm at work and I am sitting in a meeting. I'm watching the people around me dozing off, comparing them to animals, when I realize I am having a movie moment. A moment you know you could have seen or maybe did see in a movie sometime. I like to refer to it as "Film-javu", similar to a Dejavu if you will.
I was looking at one person in particular across the room from me, at the time he looked remarkably like a catfish. His hair and facial hair fell perfectly into form as the fish beard and antenna type appendages on the top of their heads. Although he wasn't, I imagined him opening and closing his mouth in a feeble attempt to gain oxygen while the meeting administrators voice occupied the background as a droll humming. Suddenly I looked back to the catfish-like man and his head was no longer there, it had been replaced with an actual catfish head! Instead of gasping for air, it appeared that the catfish was trying to communicate with me. As I do not speak catfish, I attempted to read the fish lips as they bobbled open and closed, open and closed, but to no avail. Since I don't speak catfish I don't know why I thought I maybe able to understand catfish lip reading. I'm a terrible human lip reader anyway, and I'm pretty sure catfish don't enunciate their words with their thin scaly lips.
Panic arose in my chest and my breathing became slightly more rapid. Why would the catfish try to relay me a message from the deep if it were not important? Was it pertaining to the end of the world? To my eminent destiny as defender of the human race? Perhaps he needed to warn someone of the danger of over fishing and the destructive effect it was having on his habitat and eventually all ecosystems? What did he think I could do, sitting in a dark cramped meeting room?
I looked away momentarily and the catfish head was gone. Lesson #1- when a mysterious catfish head man attempts to communicate with you, DON'T LOOK AWAY! I may never know what his message was, or what that meeting was about for that matter.